Musings in the Midst

When you see this it means I'm through this ordeal, but as I scrawl this down on a scrap piece of paper, I'm heavily in the midst of it. And for the record, I would have rather taken the spanking every night rather than this! This is...hard.

I feel alone, cut off from all my friends. I can't get on my computer or phone for any reason and this just feels brutal. You would think it would motivate me to get this stuff done faster, but all it seems to be doing is leaving me floundering.

There's a part of me that's angry. I don't want to give him the satisfaction of obeying him after he did this to me! He took away my friends! Ugh! But...

There's also a part of me that knows that he's not being unfair, that's he's doing his job, no matter how much I hate it. 

DD is hard. There's no question about that. And it calls on you even to do what you know is right because you agreed to, regardless of what he will or won't do. I know some of you violate restriction and it ensues World War III. But for me, most likely if I text or call a few of my friends right now, I doubt it will be judged harshly, if anything beyond a lecture. For how hard this is, I definitely think it would be worth it! Note from now: Wow, was I wrong about what would have happened! I'm so glad I didn't test that theory! Geez! Anyway... Except that I've been learning some things in the past few days. Not just about myself, but about him. About the way he thinks. And it's given me some pause.


At the urging of a friend (thank you, you!), I decided to download the smartphone audio app of the book: Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, after getting Jay's consent to listen to it with me. This was a step out for him, done for my sake, since we've never done this before. But I explained to him that I needed to improve in this area, and that, based on what my friend had said, I thought, if we listened to it as a couple, this might actually help me, and could he please help me in this way? (gotta appeal to that "knight in shining armor" side of every guy, ya know?). We agreed to incorporate it into maintenance on Sunday nights, and yesterday (since I wrote this on Monday) was one of those nights. Jay actually let the app play for way longer than I thought he would and afterward added his own commentary of when he felt disrespected. He explained that he knew I respected him overall (I agreed to DD to prove it, after all), but that there were so many ways things I'd say did exactly what the author talked about. His specific examples were eye opening. But it was after the conversation faded into talking about other things though when I got my real lesson. 

Okay, I'm about to violate one of my key principles of things I never talk about, and go in a direction I never go on this blog. I purposely never tell you what goes on in our bedroom sexually for a reason, because, while it may be just fine for other couples, in our case, it's just not for Blogland to know this private part of us. But because this is that important, I feel like I should share it.

Sometimes as Jay and I, are laying in bed together, we will be talking about general things, and he'll grab my hand and have me stroke him. Gently, usually a prelude to other things, but not really going there yet, just more of an intimate thing. Well that night he did this, and as we continued to just discuss stuff, I (extra sweetly massaging) wheedled my way into asking if I could keep my phone. Amused that I was obviously using this intimate moment to elicit his sympathy (hey, it works sometimes, can you blame me?), he gave me an emphatic "no" and oh so patiently told me my efforts were wasted, that he had to stick with what he said. ALL of it, both restriction and that stupid bathbrush. And no computer either, whatsoever, no loopholes allowed (why'd he have to go there, grrr!). He reminded me that he loved me, but that a punishment was not supposed to be fun. He had given me Saturday as a freebie to get as much done as I could, and Sunday, since I had to work all day, he'd even given my phone back for the day, and said I didn't have to work on anything. But our deal was that tomorrow he expected me to work really hard on everything and get as far as possible. 

Well, miffed at his not wanting to budge, I muttered, poutily, "I guess I might as well not try at all, since I can't do this anyway. Apparently it doesn't even matter!"

At that moment, I felt my husband go completely limp, and it got extremely quiet. I quelled my attitude instantly, and tried to backpedal QUICK.

"Hon!" I said playfully, trying to lighten the situation, "What are ya going all limp for? Okay, I shouldn't have said that, I was frustrated, and I'm sorry, but geez, you don't have to react that way!"

"You know I don't control that, Kay," he finally said. "That's a physical thing. But that is a perfect illustration of what happens when I feel disrespected."

"But-but I wasn't disrespecting you!," I protested. "Maybe myself, yeah, but not you!"

"Kay," Jay turned his solemn blue eyes to mine, "when I make the decision to ask you to do something, and you respond that it doesn't matter and you might as well not try, you undermine my decision and undermine my authority. You're saying what I asked you to do, my opinion of what I think is important, isn't important enough to you for you to even attempt it. That you're going to continue to do your own thing out of your stubbornness, no matter how it makes me feel, when I'm trying to do the best I can, for us. This job isn't easy. But you not trusting in my judgment, makes it a lot harder. That is disrespect, and you just saw firsthand what it even does to me physically."

That opened up a conversation I will remember for awhile, where I gained a new awareness on what goes on inside his head when I say the things I say. And I got a real wake-up call that night.

I guess I never realized, how great an effect my words and attitude have on him, how for all of how very strong my man is, beneath the "I can do it all" exterior, how also fragile he can be. And that I too, hold his heart in my hands, to either nurture or to crush, the same as he holds mine.

I've seen it several times during these past few days though. That was just the latest thing. I'm learning things from his perspective. Almost every time I've tried to weasel out of a punishment (yeah, I know, I know!), his face has taken on a wearied look. It's pretty clear he hates this ordeal as much as I do.

The first night, I was shocked by how many times he told me that he loved me and he wanted to I make sure I remembered that. He seemed so reluctant and actually needing of my assurance, that I felt I had to put aside my own anxiousness about what I knew was coming, and reaffirm to him that I knew he was just doing what he had to do, that no matter what I portrayed with my attitude in coping with this whole thing, I didn't see him as the enemy. That I knew no matter what, I knew he was doing this for us. He was just following his role, and yes, I was the one that was not doing mine. All of this was hard to say, of course. It's hard to choke that pride down, but it's also what I knew Jay needed to hear. These past few days, I've been reminded how hard his job is, why it's so hard for him to not just give into my pleading and be lenient. Who wants to be the bad guy, especially with the person he loves most fighting him all the time? Who wants the responsibility to make the hard decisions of how to punish, when he has to deal with his wife's clever arguments (I'll toot my horn, I'm a pretty good persuader), her tears, and attitude, even anger, for only doing what his role dictates, for the good of our marriage and family?

Right now, as much as I want so badly for this to be over, I've clearly seen it's hard for him, to, no matter what, to stick to the decision he made, to not give back my precious phone and computer for the length of this, and also to spank tonight if everything's not done (it won't be, I hate to say, and he knows that, but made clear he still has to do what he said he would).

So in all of this: right now, tonight, and until this is over, he will do as his role dictates, and I will do as mine dictates. I'll honor what he has decided and not try to undermine it by disobeying or weaseling out of it. I'll try hard and stuff that tempting inclination to do the opposite, just because I want to not take this lying down (looking back, ironic line to write considering this dynamic, huh?).  I'll give him the respect he needs, and the respect he has earned by submitting to this, no matter how much I hate it. And I'll remember that we're both going through this together, it's hard for both of us, not just me. But we'll get through it, together, and yes, be better for it.

As I keep trying to remind myself, in both good times and bad, that's what DD--actually let's go ahead and use Stormy's term, I like it better--that what DH--is all about.

*       *       *

So anyway, that's what I wrote the other day, word for word, my pep talk to myself, inspiration to keep submitting even when I didn't want to, musings in the midst of it. I must have read those pieces of paper more than five times to try to keep my focus, when I wanted to quit during the day, sometimes out of discouragement, sometimes out of sheer rebellion; when I missed my friends most (yes I'm that pathetic, even those few days felt like forever!); and yeah. before the punishment spankings that I received to cement the message.Ugh!!

What can I say about those five days? Definitely...well, educational. In that it's a lesson I NEVER want to repeat! It's been a tough five days, some of the hardest I've had since I started this dynamic. And not just because of the spankings! My computer is one thing, but I live on my phone. Not having it made me feel like I was going crazy. Yeah, I'm oh so glad it's over, but the reason why I'm publishing this online is that I didn't want to lose the lessons that I learned in the midst of it. So I'm posting what I wrote during it both for me to remember in the future, when times can be hard, and maybe to help someone else out while I'm at it.

I also don't want to forget that side of Jay that I saw this week. I've actually rarely seen him as encouraging and tender as he was this past week, when I needed it most. Too often I forget this is a partnership. I forget, especially when I'm mad about being in trouble, that he's not the Big Bad Wolf, he's a vulnerable human being who's actually hurt by those actions that I choose to do in my selfishness. Okay, knowing my man, I bet he never wants to be thought of as vulnerable, even for my sake. But this week, it really did help to see it. It knocked me out of my "I hate that I'm in trouble mode" to consider what he also was going through. And seeing his response to that book was shocking for me. It opened up a side of him I hadn't seen before, and showed me there's still so much I need to learn about this stuff. Although I will say that learning what I'm learning helps me want to submit, helps me want to give him what he needs, rather than just have him take care of me, and my needs. I want to learn how to show respect, in ways he apparently has always craved, ways I admit I'm still striving to fully grasp.

And oh yeah, just so you know: our bedroom is now unpacked and organized, and will remain that way for a LONG while. And I'll be stepping it up getting the other things he wants done too.

At least, that's definitely the plan. Not just so I don't lose my phone and computer again though, or to avoid that stupid brush. I've got a new reason: it's another way to show the respect I'm learning to give him.


Just remind me of those great lofty words when next I get distracted and need to hear it, k? 

And no, helpful people, that doesn't mean in the next five minutes!



I'm pretty sure I can last ten...;)