Better Than Fighting

"You know, when you throw up your hands and roll your eyes, I absolutely hate it. I can't even express how much I hate it," Jay informed me.

"I'm so sorry, Honey. I'll try to do better. I promise. But it's just going to take some time to unlearn. Please don't spank me!"

"You trying to weasel out of being in trouble again?"

"No! No, I'm absolutely not. I'm-" I searched frantically for an explanation. I'm fweaseling," I said triumphantly (For those of you who don't have one like we do, a fweasel is another name for a ferret).

"Well, fweaseling's not allowed either," he said, without missing a beat.

"Okay, I'll remember that for next time."

"Nice try. And STILL fweaseling." He shook his head, then looked me in the eye. His expression completely HOH. Gulp. "How about I make it a bit easier for you to remember. Any time, starting now, that I catch you saying or doing anything to get out of being spanked, or manipulating me in any way, I'm doubling whatever you are getting. Are we clear?"

"Yes," I responded solemnly. Eeeeeeeeeeek! What now?

He studied my face, then relaxed a little. "Besides, I let you off while we were on vacation."

"Not uh! I'm pretty sure I remember being spanked!"

"Not like you deserved!" Okay, that may have been true. I was supposed to have that time off, conditional that my behavior was reasonably good. But then I took too long getting out the door, and we missed our reservation for something. Also, it may have been me who attacked him with a pillow when he was just waking up. And later, I tickled him beyond the point when he said I'd be in trouble if I didn't stop. And then I may have said a few too many "whatevers." Oops...so my freedom got revoked. "Remember," he continued, "you were supposed to be paddled for those things when we got home. But I let you off for Mother's Day. So yeah, don't even think you're getting out of this one."  And I didn't.

Afterwards, I turned tear-filled eyes up to him and pleaded, "Please tell me again why we do this! Remind me why it's worth it!"

Jay hugged me tight. "Because it's better than the old way. It's better than fighting."

I may have been hurting, but I went to sleep wrapped in his arms, being comforted that that was true. A few days later, though, that truth would be tested.

 

***

We had company--Jay's family. Ugh! It was a trying few days. Ending in a very bad night yesterday (Wednesday night). I shouldn't say the situation. But it involved something that belonged to my father, who died unexpectantly not long ago. And Jay's family, who I swear sometimes are from a different planet. Maybe a different galaxy. One of them said something that was massively hurtful to my family, and disrespecting to my father's memory. And I listened, with anger and hurt, as Jay not only didn't stand up for me, but appeared to agree with her. To shut her up, I know. But it still hurt.

I was more than a little upset. Jay told me to let it go. I didn't listen. And he didn't apologize for not defending me. He explained he said what he said to try to end a fight between our two families before it started. He said he had told his family to let it go, too, not just me. He said he was trying to keep the peace. He said I was being too emotional. That I was making too big of a deal out of it. That they were from a different culture, and didn't understand. That I was not being Christian-like stewing over it. But I was still hurt and angry. And I told him so. We argued about it for several minutes.The next thing I know...

"THAT'S IT! Pull down your pants and lay down!"

"What?!"

"You heard me!"

"I did nothing wrong! I'm allowed to feel my feelings!"

"Yes, you are. But you are NOT allowed to disrespect me, and roll your eyes repeatedly!"

"But I-you-ugh!" I stopped, remembering the new rule. I was still angry, but knew I shouldn't risk continuing.

I submitted, yet every ounce of me wanted to fight it, fight him. He pulled out the paddle I fear the most. I lost it. All my anger and pride went out the window. I told him what he wanted to hear, hoping he'd relent. Nope. I pled for mercy, very much like my life depended on it. I HATE that paddle! He stayed firm.

Afterward, I cried hysterically while he held me. This night, I didn't comforted. I was in physical pain. And I was still very upset. I wished for the old way. I may have been wrong for disrespecting him. But didn't what he did negate that? Didn't it matter? He wasn't even trying to understand! His actions made me respond like that! Anyone would in this situation!

I wrestled with thoughts like these all night. It isn't often I feel Jay is unfair. Yet it definitely felt like it then. And I felt like I had the right to hold this situation against him. I was fine with us fighting again!

But in the morning, I realized something. It doesn't matter if Jay is wrong or not. I don't have free reign to respond badly just because I think he doesn't do something right. And I don't have the right to hold resentment. I used to feel I had that right. Not anymore. Because TTWD calls us to a higher standard. It calls us to remember the big picture of what our marriage is based on (like respect and unity), rather than fingerpointing about the present situation. And the truth is, even though I disagree about the present situation, he's earned my respect overall in so many ways. Even when I don't feel like it. and, (arrgh, so hard to write) even when I think he's wrong.

So for him, I'm letting this situation go. I still don't like it. And I still don't agree with Jay. But I know he's trying to do what he thinks is right, that his heart is in the right place. And I trust in his love. I still have to pray every time I'm around his family that I respond with Christ's attitude. And not think how nice it would be if they all got called back to their real home planet (I'm pretty sure they adopted Jay), and I didn't have to deal with them anymore. But the truth is, our marriage is worth me letting it go. Our new unity and deeper commitment is worth it. It means I give up some of my rights to get something better.

Because he's right. it may be painful both physically at times, and even moreso to my pride. But this thing we do IS better than than the old way.

And it is definitely better than fighting. :)