Now What?

So as luck would have it, I played the odds and won. Jay was not supposed to stay out all evening fishing, but that's exactly what he did. His reason was that he was trying to help my brother, which was I have to admit was sweet of him. My brother has serious ADD like me, and apparently the situation was that even though he wanted to catch fish so badly, he'd repeatedly not pay attention, and lose the fish every time. So he kept pleading for one more cast repeatedly, and Jay gave in. Not that it was hard for him to do, LOL, since fishing is his all time favorite activity. Why, I don't know.  If you need something to eat, I understand that. But as a sport...I don't get the fascination. I don't see how watching a pole for sometimes hours could be deemed fun. Or understand the objective of dragging up some poor creature that's not doing anybody any harm, who's just trying to eat dinner. And then there's the fact that after my brother recently broke one of his fishing poles, he decided to keep the handle part to use on ME when he thinks I need it...I don't really share his joy of fishing. But I digress.

All that to say that he came home super late, more than three hours later than he said he would be, without calling. That's a huge mess-up on his part, and he knows it. There was hardly even time to talk before he had to go to bed, except for him to apologize profusely. He saw that I didn't get anything done, but in light of what he did, I think he was willing to let me off.

My first inclination was to do a dance of joy. But later on, that pesky guilt set in, and I haven't been able to shake it since.

Me not getting things done has been an ongoing battle in our home. It's given me self-esteem issues, because it seems like no one struggles with this as much as me. Although our lifestyle has evolved into something else since then, it's the original reason we started DD in the first place, because I know I need to improve in this area, and my husband was frustrated to the point of resentment. I asked for his help in this, because it's necessary for the sake of my family, and also for myself. I agreed to be held accountable.  I agreed to stop fighting and submit to him, so he could help me. We agreed to start with baby steps, with a small amount of responsibilities he knows I can handle, that I'm to do on a consistent basis. Consistency is necessary retrain my ADD brain. To establish a norm. I know that. And the truth is, he's been very patient. He doesn't ask me to do a lot.

It's one thing if I forget to do something, or if I get distracted, and don't get something done. That, I confess, happens more than I want to admit (although I'm getting better at it, yay me!). But what I did yesterday was something entirely different. I chose to deliberately disregard what I was told to do, on purpose, just because I didn't feel like doing it. I was feeling moody and tired, and didn't want to. It wasn't a matter of just frittering away my time, I was being a brat. My attitude was, "I'm going to do what I want to do, and you can't make me." Arrrrgh, the truth hurts. And maybe, looking back, I was testing the boundaries. I still try to see how much I can get away with (cue cringing in shame here).

And this is where it gets complicated. I'm extremely competitive. If I can get away with something, it's like I beat him, and I like that feeling of power. Which feeds my inner bad girl to see what else I can get away with. And this is not conducive to TTWD. Nor is it fair to him, whether I get in trouble, or not. It hurts my spirit to even write about it, especially when he's trying so hard to help me. But I know myself, and I know how I think, even subconsciously. So even though I'd like to win this one, I have this gnawing feeling that it will hurt me in the long run, on that subconscious level.

So what do I do? Jay is going to be home soon. I know I need to tell him the full story of what I did yesterday. He needs to know that it wasn't carelessness, like he thinks, but a deliberate choice to disregard everything he said. He needs to know that I was playing the odds that I could do what I wanted to do, and still probably not get in trouble. That last part I'm scared to tell him; it hurts his pride, and is one of the fastest ways to ensure a more serious punishment, which makes me very apprehensive.

There 's still a chance that he'll let it go, even after I tell him everything, in light of what he did. Then what? Is it wise to just thank my lucky stars, and move on? I know if I get done everything from yesterday he'll possibly let it go. So should I? Or should I leave a few of those tasks undone (not all of them, I'm not stupid!) so that it will be better in the long run? OMG! I don't know how to sort out these thoughts! Do I want to get spanked? No way! I hate them, and I dread them. But will it stop it from happening as easily the next time if he does? I have to admit the answer is probably yes. I'd be glad to get out of it, if getting out of it didn't have such serious repercussions. But the truth is, the faster I learn this, the better. And the only way to learn is consistency. And if consistency isn't there, I fear I'm going to be at this thing forever! I just wish I could be good, so I didn't have to go through this nonsense! Geez...

Arrrgh. That's my husband calling. Guess I have to tell him now. Wish me luck, will update soon.