Live and Learn

So I've been decidedly MIA for a small while. Something happened between Jay and I. I can't share specifics, but let it suffice to say that promises were broken, and trust was breached. It was innocent, a beginner's mistake, but it was serious enough that having TTWD in our marriage was called into question--for a very brief time.

A very scary time! The actual event wasn't that horrible. It was the aftermath, the inability to erase it, the figuring out how to deal with it, that was so difficult. And the idea that this new life of ours, which had become so important to us, was possibly in jeopardy.

You know the saying that "you don't know what you got til it's gone"? Yep, sometimes TTWD is frustrating. I'll be first in line to admit it! Sometimes, okay, let's amend that: always, the spankings hurt. Then there's those lectures that find that sensitive nerve and grate it raw. Or the fact that it seems like the only way I'm not going to say something disrespectful is to tape my mouth. Or maybe to restrict my conversation to the weather? Nope, I'm pretty sure I'd end up saying something I shouldn't even in that circumstance! It seems to be one of my most natural talents (I guess everyone has to be good at something, right?). And let's not forget the increasing amount of rules ((huge groan)). These things are hard. And annoying. And even decidedly painful!

But the truth is, those things pale in comparison to how bad things could be. The truth is, it absolutely terrifies me to go back to the way things were. The truth is, we can't, knowing what we know.

Returning to days of unspoken resentment and cold shoulders. Wondering what each other are thinking because we don't communicate. Wondering what else we aren't being told because there are secrets between us. So deeply in love with each other, and yet, frustrated, because we can never to seem to express it right.

Suddenly things like spankings, listening to the same lecture over again, obeying when I'd rather not, and biting my tongue just to show my love don't seem all that bad!


Nearly losing TTWD made me think about why it's so important to me, and to us. Yes, it originally started out as a temporary tool to help me with some things I really need to learn. That's why we started, but that's NOT why we continued. We continued because we both discovered we had to learn some things that each other desperately needed, and we could do it together! I've mentioned in before posts that there were profound changes in the way Jay showed he cherished me, the lengths he found himself automatically taking on to show it, and the new security I felt from him taking care of me.

For his part, he tells me that he no longer feels ignored and taken for granted. He knows, in spite of the results (which may currently be lacking, oops), that I really am trying to meet his needs, to be a good wife and mother. I'm no longer telling him he should have married a doormat, thank you, leaving him feeling helpless and misunderstood. Resentment for each other is gone. We see each other trying, not to make ourselves, but one another, happy and cared for. We have no more secrets. We may struggle with things, but now we do it together. And the passion between us--let's admit it, we no longer have any fear of that going anywhere!

We made sure we evaluated together what happened that night. We also, taking the advice of a concerned friend, stepped back from DD for a very brief time, and just made sure we reconnected. Apologies were said, trusts were mended, and safeguards for the future were set in place. We've moved on, and yet, we're not shoving this under the rug somewhere. We're using those principles of communication and honesty to let this experience bring us even closer together, whereas before TTWD, it would have likely torn us apart.

So that all settled, we're back. And life has never been better!

Except that starting tomorrow I'm only allowed one measly hour of computer/phone time, as it will be every Monday and Friday until my performance "significantly improves", and thanks A LOT for your blog contributing to him thinking up this asinine idea, You-Know-Who-You-Are......  ;)