About Faith

For those of you who read my last post, so you don't think I jumped off a cliff or something, I thought I'd give an update. Jay felt sick, and came home from work early. He could tell I was upset, so instead of going straight to sleep, we talked. I told him first what an effect that stupid implement had on me. He confided that he really didn't want to use it, but he felt he had to follow through to get my attention. He had tried to use it as lightly as possible, because he knows I can't take much. But he needs something to motivate me, when everything else has failed. So it stays. But, he said, it's only for the worst punishments, and I don't have to worry about it on a regular basis. So while I don't like it, I actually am okay with that (for now), because those punishments hardly ever happen. It irks me to say, though, objectively, it did work; I didn't get in trouble yesterday for once. But I'd be happy with never having one of those reminders ever again!

The other issue, though, was actually more important to me, and I'm not sure in my ranty state that I conveyed that well enough. Jay tried to make me feel better about it, but it's kind of hard to do that when the problem is within myself. It's the idea that I've failed so much that Jay felt he had to go to such measures. And the idea that I'm going to have to go through it again and again because I can't change, no matter what I do. I shouldn't need that kind of motivation! Actually, I struggle with the idea that I have to undergo spanking at all. I wish I could just be good, so it's not even needed! But it seems I just fail and fail and fail...

I do realize it's a process. It's hard; I can't expect it to be easy. This journey is not a fairy tale road strewn with flowers. Yet it is worth it, I know that, even if I have to go through spankings I don't like, and even if it feels like I'll never see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Anyone who follows my blog hopefully knows that my faith is really important to me. I believe God communicates with people in different ways. With me, it's often through music, especially when I'm down. Every year, and with every major event in my life, there's always been a song that speaks to me, that gives me the strength I need.

One of those songs that I was recently given was the song, "That's What Faith Can Do" by a group called Kutless. I know the song, since that's a favorite group of mine, but I never thought about it in the context of TTWD, or how hard it gets sometimes, until I heard it yesterday. And it echoed through my head for hours, especially the verses, which really hit me.

I realized I was feeling so badly because I did temporarily lose my faith. I stopped hoping, and I stopped believing. I lost my faith that this works. I lost my faith in my husband; that I could talk to him, and he would listen to me, that he'd take care of me no matter what. And instead I was worried that I wouldn't be able to handle our future, that it was too overwhelming. That I've let him down too much, and all I'd continue to do was that. I lost my faith in myself, that I'm capable of learning, capable of being a good wife and a good mother. That I'm not a failure. And I lost my faith in God, that He wouldn't abandon me, that He's taking care of me, that He knows my weaknesses, and that He's helping me grow and overcome them-that I'm not doing this on my own. And I listened, I was reminded why I need to keep holding on.

I wish I could put the video on Youtube here, but I'm new to blogging, and couldn't figure out how to make it work. But I'm going to putting the lyrics below, for those of you who, like me, need to be reminded of these words. And when you get a second, do a search and listen to the song, because it's worth it:

What Faith Can Do  

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it’s more than you can take
But you're stronger, stronger than you know
Don’t you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

It doesn’t matter what you’ve heard
Impossible is not a word
It’s just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody’s scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It’ll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That’s what faith can do)
When the world says you can’t
It’ll tell you that you can!

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn’t ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I’ve seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That’s what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
 

Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

So all my problems aren't over, nor the struggles that go on inside me every day. But I do have new hope, and that makes me smile, and try harder, even in times I think I can't. 

Now if you could please remind me of this next time I fall off the deep end... :)