Right now I don't even know what to say. I want to quit DD? I don't want to say it, but...sometimes I feel that way. I usually keep a pretty positive attitude, hopeful in fact. Not really feeling it right now. It's like I live in a fairy tale world most of the time, all hopeful of better times to come and celebrating the love between us (the song Happy Ever After" from the movie "Enchanted" comes to mind). Now I feel like I've been doused with the ice cold water of reality. Sometimes this lifestyle is not romantic. Sometimes it's just...hard. I have no humor right now. I don't even have anything positive to say. That's where I'm at.
I got spanked yesterday. If you're following my blog, you know the one I got threatened with on my birthday? The one he said he had in his toolbox, but would bring home shortly? Yeah, with that. A thick rubber strap made out of melted down recycled tires. He only gave me three, then did the rest with the paddle and his hand. But I could barely even take that. I was near hysterical. He informed me that he was barely even hitting me with it. Like that's supposed to make me feel better that it can be so much worse, thanks!
Maybe someone with a pain tolerance like mine doesn't belong in TTWD. All I know is that I didn't feel better after the spanking. No warm fuzzy feelings of romance, even though he held me, and tried to make me laugh. All I could think of was that this is going to happen again and again and again. I don't want to go through this! If I don't have the tasks around the house he assigned by the time he gets home today, as well as the normal, I'm getting five with that evil thing. For anyone else, the things he assigned would be easy. For anyone else. Not me. And I know this is bad, I am ashamed of it, but it feels like I've failed before I've began.
And it's not even just him stepping it up with spankings, it's also that I'm tired of failing over and over and over. I joke around a lot, but I really truly want to become a better wife! But it feels like my efforts are useless, that I'm a hopeless case. No matter how hard I try, it doesn't even seem to matter. And the thing is, he really doesn't ask that much! Jay is more than fair, shows his love for me in so many ways, and yet, all I do is fight him; when I haven't already sunk myself by my distraction with bright and shiny objects. He's stepping up, because he has to, because he believes in me. Objectively, I know that. But it doesn't help much right now. Right now I'm feeling really down, and so really alone.
I wish I could talk to somebody, but there's not really anyone in my life that would understand TTWD. The only thing I can do is vent here and talk to God. And even then, I know what He has to say.
He says not to give up, that He's not going to leave me like this, that He will help me, that He has a plan. I hear the words. But right now...I don't know. It doesn't comfort; it doesn't even feel real.
Ohhhhh dear. I nearly cried because I can relate so very much. I think your man needs to hear your heart on this, and fast. Ask him to take that particular implement off the table for now. DD is not a game, and he needs to put his humor aside and recognize real pain, both physical and emotional, that you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteHe LOVES you. He would never willingly CHOOSE for you to be in an emotional pitfall and a dark well of hopelessness.
Please PLEASE ask for a talk. Write this down (does he read this blog?) and share it.
I'd love for you to email me, btw.
Waiting for an update. I'm soooo very sorry and sad for you. These feelings are temporary, the sun will come out or you will step away from the clouds. It will get better and soon. I've been there.
Stormy
Me again. I read this again because your emotional place is troubling me. As I read it, the last part struck me. What if what you believe God is saying, your husband was saying right now? Holding you, rocking you gently, saying "Don't give up, I'm not going to leave you like this, Sweetie, because I will help you and I have a plan."
ReplyDeletePlease talk to him.
Can you post your email here? I will contact you. Hang in there Sister.
Kay, if you are feeling this dejected, hopeless, bad @ yourself, not to mention afraid of those implements, something IS wrong. Talk to him!
ReplyDeleteThose implements sound very severe. After 5 years of Dd, we don't have anything like those, nor are they necessary, IMO. Maybe you need to tell him they are just too heavy duty for you? Speak up, let him know what you need!
Sara
We have a few implements that I am afraid of too. I am never in a good place after they have been used. A thick leather paddle (thing1), a large paint stick (thing2) and a plexiglas paddle. I don’t know why he hasn’t gotten rid of them. Before a session, he lays them by my head where I can see that they are NOT being used. Not every spanking will end with the warm fuzzies and yes you will get discouraged.
ReplyDeleteTalk to your husband and let him know how you feel. Don’t give up, you may just need to move in a different direction. My husband hands out praise sparingly but I know when I get those words, I have earned them. That may be what you need too. A little praise goes a long way.
Hi Everyone! Thank you for your comments; he could tell when we just talked on the phone that I'm discouraged, so we're going to talk tonight, both about the scary implement, but also how I've been feeling like I just can't stop messing up, and I'm so frustrated...
ReplyDeleteStormy--Thank you for your encouraging words! They mean so much more to me than you can ever know...I truly feel like you understand me... My email is kayandjay4ever@gmail.com.
Sara--That means a lot; objectively, now that I'm feeling a little better I can say it's not probably as bad as you think and definitely not as bad as a lot of stuff that people talk about on here. It's a little worse than a belt, I just have no pain tolerance (I can't take a belt either, LOL). But it still might be too much for me, I definitely have to talk to him about it. And I have a question to ask you, but I'll ask on your site, because it's a little long for here. :)
Little Missie--Those things sound fearful too! I'm glad it's not just me that feels that way. But you're right, I can't give up!
I feel for you Kay. I'm glad you are going to have that talk tonight. I agree with Stormy and Sara...he does love you and maybe he just doesn't understand where you are emotionally. I don't have any advice, but I do know that in the end, TTWD is supposed to enhance and better your relationship....not pull you so far down, you can't get up. I'm sending good thoughts your way that you can make him understand and compromise. I'm here if you ever need to vent...your comments go straight to my email and I won't post if you want to talk "off the record"....good luck....I'm rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteKay,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are feeling so discouraged. That's now how things are supposed to work, so I agree with the others that there is something wrong.
I understand about feeling like a failure with the house. I just know I am going to my grave an utter failure. Sometimes, it helps when I have my tasks broken into itty bitty pieces. When JJ told me to clean my bedroom, that was too overwhelming. (sad, huh?!?) So, I broke it down in "today I will do......" and so it took me a couple of weeks, but I managed to get it done.
DD is consensual. If implements are too hard for you to take, and you become utterly afraid, then you need to discuss other options. And, remember DD doesn't have to include spanking, there are other options.
I'll be praying for you tonight, Kay. Communication is the key and it sounds like your hubby is open to hear what you have to say.
Hugs and keep us posted......
Kady
oops...I didn't preview; my first line should have been NOT how things are supposed to work...sorry
ReplyDeleteK's sweetie-Thank you so much and thank you for your good thoughts. We did talk and things are better. I'll post an update soon! :)
ReplyDeleteKady--Thank you!