"Don't Make Me Throw A Ferret At You"

So while I'm waiting until later tonight to get my behind paddled for not listening again about something he told me repeatedly to stop doing (don't say it, I know, I know!), I'm trying to get my mind off things, lest I go insane. And, well, I thought I'd accomplish that by doing a largely vanilla post introducing you to my four-footed kids.

We have no dogs or cats in this house. I wanted another kitty (ours got killed by another cat, thanks to Jay's dad's neglect, not going there), but Jay said no. Other than the precious kitty we had that got killed, Jay generally hates cats, for some reason (they love him, it's the funniest thing)! Instead, he asked if someday we could consider a ferret. I said that might be cool, because I knew he always wanted one. Which he chose to take as an enthusiastic yes, grrrrrr. Because shortly after that, he picked me up from work one day with a sheepish, "guess what" smile. Apparently he just hadn't been able to resist the little furry face, thanks to his sister's influence (not going there, either), and bought the little critter on the spot. I was a little upset, as ferrets are a LOT of work. But within hours, her open affection and clownish antics, combined with those big mournful eyes, helped her burrow her way into my heart forever.

We now have two of them. So for those of you who think these are wild animals that might chew your face off given the first opportunity, I'd like to welcome you to...the unofficial Ferrets 101! Ferrets, also nicknamed "fweasels", "fuzzies", and "carpet sharks" are the third most common pet to own in the United States, after dogs and cats. Like the weasel, badger, and otter, they are members of the Mustelidae family, but unlike their relatives, have been domesticated for thousands of years. The domestic ferret resembles wild ferrets as much as domesticated dogs resemble wild dogs. They are the acknowledged clowns of the animal kingdom, and when awake, are rarely still. What are you really dealing with when you own a ferret? Well, imagine taking the intelligence of a toddler, the playfulness of a kitten, and the mischievousness of a monkey, squashing all that together into a tiny long fuzzy body small enough to get into anywhere, adding a serious case of ADHD, and some kleptomaniac tendencies. Yep, that's a ferret in a nutshell. That, and adding a serious fetish for shoes.

There are ways I identify greatly with my ferrets (and not just that I love shoes!). For the most part, I love life (when not in trouble). I sing constantly, and savor every moment. People say that in life you should take time to smell the roses? I do that (and often stay lost in the garden!).

Ferrets can't sing, but they have the ability to show happiness like no other creature on earth. When a ferret shows happiness (which should be every day, if they are treated right), they literally dance with joy. They hop from side to side on all fours, tumble end over end, often bouncing off things, do feats that would make gymnasts gasp, and dook (make sounds like a chicken). It's officially called the "weasel war dance." Although both my fweasels do it, as all well cared for ferrets do, one of them is a master at it! And can you guess when I see her do it to the greatest extent? That would be when she outsmarts me! Like during playtime, when she manages to get into a room she knows she's not supposed to be in, and I pick her up and gently toss her out; that little brat runs between my legs back into the room, and runs underneath something she knows prevents me from reaching her. You'd think she'd stay there safe, but she can't help herself.  About twenty seconds later, she predictably comes out, dooking and dancing up a storm, just to make sure I know she bested me. Then, each time she does it, she gets more and more confidently bratty until I catch her, and she's REALLY in trouble. Oh wait. I'm supposed to be talking about similarities. Um...no similarities to me here...really there aren't, I'm sure of it....

There is the one similarity anyone who knows me instantly identifies for some strange reason. Ferrets are easily distracted. They love to play, and anything bright and shiny will do. And they rarely listen when you tell them to stop what they're doing. Yes, unfortunately, I share those same characteristics sometimes. Even when I'm supposed to be focused on other things. In fact, especially when I'm supposed to be focused on other things. Like a computer when I'm supposed to be...okay, let's just agree not to go there for now...

Ferrets have a natural knack for getting into trouble. In fact, if there's trouble to be found, a ferret will find it. There's no similarity here either, just in case you're wondering. Okay, okay, we might have that in common, I admit, but I think they've way got me beat. I'm not kidding either. Having ferrets means a major amount of childproofing, even more so, because they're so tiny, and can fit in unimaginably small spaces. They're highly intelligent problem solvers. I came into the kitchen one day to find my darling little critter, with a nose full of dirt, playing in my potted plant, soil strewn all over the counter. Apparently, she had opened the cabinet, climbed up the back, got behind the drawer and pushed it forward until it opened, then climbed into the drawer and onto the counter top to happily create some fweasel havoc. She also can spot Dr. Pepper across the room, in any form. She won't touch a Coke can, but if she sees a Dr. Pepper, even sealed, she goes nuts. Then she tries to figure out a way to get to it and spill it all over the floor so she can lap it up. And I can't tell you how many times I've run after them to rescue something before it disappears forever.

One really big problem that collides is their knack for trouble, and my lack of attention. Like when I put them in the bathroom to play, then get I distracted and forget to check crucial details. Did I say this was a vanilla post? Yeah, maybe we should throw that idea out the window. Or stuff it in a closet my ferrets can't get to...Because my fuzzies have gotten me in trouble A LOT. You'd think I'd learn. It's not very hard to check if the bathroom closet door is closed. Did I mention ferrets are ferocious? They have claws, and they will absolutely shred you. That is, if you happen to be a toilet paper roll. Or anything in a wrapper. I'm serious, it's not pretty. Of course, if you happen to be a spider, and anything I wish they would go after, you're totally safe. Go figure.

Anyway, I can't tell you how many times Jay has tried to open the bathroom door, and I hear the dreaded drawn out, "Uh huh!" as he feels the opposition, from everything that was previously on the cabinet shelves now strewn all over the floor. Complete with shredded toilet paper everywhere. Sometimes toilet paper we just bought. Oops. My one ferret is an escape artist and problem solver, I mentioned that. My other ferret REALLY likes to climb things. She's also an experienced interior decorator. That, and like her partner in crime, a problem solver. She can even open zippers. And she has no problem emptying shelves to create the perfect playground for both of the little monsters. No qualms about it, either, unfortunately for me.

Like I said, ferrets are a lot of work. Which brings me to the title. I'd neglected to close the bathroom closet door securely one time too many. Jay was understandably frustrated. And to make things worse, I was mouthing off about it being somehow his fault the door was open, even though it was clearly mine. Shhhhh, I didn't admit that!  You know, trying to get out of trouble any way I could. The kind of situation Jay responds to by asking me if I'd like a shovel, to bury myself better. I claim temporary insanity when I'm in trouble. That's all I can say.

Anyway, next thing I knew, Jay was putting me in my place. "Enough! You messed up already, but you had better get control of yourself, and stop what you're doing! Don't make me throw a ferret at you!"

He would never do it, of course. But that definitely got my attention, if nothing else, because it made me laugh. Hence the title. And, combined with the spanking I received, I think his jest actually had an effect. For some reason I've been remembering to be more careful lately. Yay for me!

Ugh, almost time. Now my mind must come back to the present, and the not-so-yay. The consequences for being so ferret-like and not listening. Arrggghhhh...

But at least I always have fweasel kisses to help cheer me up. :)