Tuesday Debacle

"Hi Hon," I greeted Jay via phone. "So I know you're studying late, but I was wondering how it went today, and when you think you'll be home."

"Oh, there's nothing I need to study, until tomorrow."

"So wait...you're coming home now?" Breathe Kay. Keep your voice nonchalant.

"Yep."

"Wait don't you want to go fishing or something to destress?" Crap! What do I do? Dang it, not fooling him at all.

I forced my voice to sound cheery. "Okay, Hon, see you soon." I hung up the phone, then looked around. The house was a disaster. He was supposed to stay and study for his training! Ugh. I had been working on something he had told me to do. But I had probably worked on it too long. I at least needed to get the house in some kind of order. Do something on the task he had given me to do, not to mention the kitchen, which I had wanted sparkling when he got home. Now how much time would I have to do something, anything?

My stomach lurched as I heard his diesel truck (I digress to say the decision to buy this truck was a good one in ways I never imagined; it gives me a huge advantage. That thing's so loud, I'm never surprised anymore when he comes in the door, teehee!). Anyway, I had time for nothing, barely to even make myself look presentable.

To say Jay was upset was an understatement. The important thing that he had asked me to do had not been started. He questioned me, and I responded as best I could. I know things are in order, but I was doing something you said to do! It was going really slow, but I thought I'd still have time for everything else, you weren't going to be home for a long time!"

If you follow my blog, you know that I struggle greatly with procrastination. And yes, it's true I got lost in blogland for a little bit this morning. But then I started on that something he told me needed to be done. I was actually trying to be good today! The part that gets a little muddled was that he expected I knew this task I was doing to be not as much priority as the other thing, and that didn't compute in my brain for some reason, until maybe right before he got home. Go figure.

So yeah, he was angry. I understood that. But his next words floored me. "No internet or phone for the next three days beyond what is absolutely necessary for work or bills," he pronounced. "That includes calling, texting, games, apps, internet, and all computer."

I'm sure my mouth feel open. I know I stared at him. I started to answer, read his expression, and...then I felt it happen. That hardening. My eyes flashed fire, every muscle stiffened, and I felt a rush of thoughts, none of them submissive.


"You think I'm being unfair?" Jay asked, already knowing the answer.

I didn't even answer. I felt my eyes narrow, but I was not giving him the satisfaction of hearing me respond to him. I turned and pointedly ignored him. For the space of a few minutes. Open defiance and distancing..

"Fine!" Jay finally said. "Go in the bedroom!"

"No!" I said.

"Go NOW!"

I stomped down the hall. And into the bathroom. "I have to go to the bathroom," I said with saccharine sweetness. I closed the door in his face.

Alone at last, I took a deep breath. Then another. I got myself under control. My rage cleared. All of a sudden, it was like I could see again. My stubbornness dissipated, my hardness melted, and, able to think more clearly now, I came out of the bathroom. I kept my voice low, and apologized for the attitude. But then I regarded him with pleading eyes. "Please, Jay, could I just have a little more time? I'll get it done! I just was doing the other thing, not thinking about that this was important..."

Jay took a moment to think it over. "You will be spanked later for your defiance. But as far as this is concerned, you have until 6pm," he allowed.

I nodded, then got on task. But I couldn't concentrate at all. I realized why I was upset, and it was a completely different reason than that of getting in trouble. The depth of my emotions overwhelmed me, and I began sobbing, not even caring that Jay was in the room.

"Kay, come here." Jay immediately called. I went to him immediately, even though I would have rather run. He wrapped me in his arms. "Let's go in the room," he said.

He guided me to the bedroom, then had me sit with him on our bed. Then he looked in my eyes. "Talk to me," he said.

I let the floodgates open wide, as I poured out my heart. How I wanted this week, even this day, to have gone so differently. How I knew how stressed he was, and how eager I was to be a good wife. How I was planning to do even more than he had asked just to make him happy, but I had gotten too engrossed in this project, and lost track of time. How I wanted to be an angel, a perfect wife this week, and I had failed barely after the week had begun. How I was doing the exact opposite even! How frustrated with myself I was, and how defeated I felt.

He cuddled me close and assured me of his love. He said I was being too hard on myself, and I needed to not give up, but stop setting such high expectations that my hopes were dashed every time I couldn't meet them. I tend to do that, I guess. And then I absolutely fall to pieces. He assured me that he knows my intentions are good, and that I really do want to be there for him right now. He encouraged me that he had faith I would meet the deadline.

And I did. I still have no computer time tomorrow, unless he decides to give it back, depending on how he feels tomorrow evening regarding my progress for the day. I got spanked hard tonight, largely for my attitude earlier.

I have a lot of feelings right now, and no time to talk about them (since I have to get off the computer). The amount of stress we're under, because of the importance of passing this week, is absolutely incredible. But one thing I am striving to do. I'm striving to remember that when I wake up tomorrow, it's a new day.

Today went badly. But Jay is right, that doesn't mean the entire week is destroyed. It can be, if I let it. Or, I can choose to learn from it, and try, try again.

Since I'm banned from the computer tomorrow, I doubt I'll be able to let you know anything. But hopefully I'll be back on Thursday, to let you know my "angel lessons" are going well. :)