Oh ok maybe not. That's not really the secret I was referring to that I have to tell you. But I'm a spank-no and I had to throw that out there. Especially because of what I'm going through now, grrr.
By that I mean especially the first year, often the first two years. I don't mean constant struggle, and progress can also be astounding as long as you focus on the positive, but the fact is that for most, there's plenty of trial and error. Therefore:
If you happen to be one of those absolutely normal couples going through struggles as you undertake this journey, do yourself and your partner a favor. Take a deep breath, realize it's all part of it, and give yourself a break from being all stressed out about "doing it right". There's so much to figure out, you can't expect to even know what that looks like without working it through. Once again I'll reiterate it's unique for every couple. Still, the types of struggles, at least from what I've seen, tend to be pretty universal. To just name some, there's yeah, finding the right methods that fit you best as a couple, overcoming the defense mechanisms that have guarded your hearts pre-DD, learning how to be vulnerable and how to trust in each other, and of course the ever so fun "what did I get myself into, what is wrong with us that we're doing something so crazy" feelings that you will probably each have to reconcile. There's learning, for us wives, how to take a punishment, how to deal with giving up control, not playing games when we're tempted to, and processing feelings of guilt when we mess up and let our HOH's down. Especially when we find ourselves spiraling and our men clearly are frustrated and overwhelmed.
And speaking of our men, let's talk about just some of the things they typically go through. There's reconciling societal messages about how to treat women with what they're being required to do in this lifestyle, a big one. Figuring out what their responsibilities are, and what it means to truly lead. Then there's dealing with the enormity of being given the submission of the one they love the most and whether they can be worthy of it. They have to mature in a hurry. In spite of being an imperfect human with bad habits like everyone else, they all of a sudden are dealing with the stress of being the role model, of being put on a pedestal and expected to be the perfect HOH and know how to fix every situation (yes, generally that's what we expect of them since they're in charge, right?). Let's not forget learning how to follow through when it's the last thing they feel like doing. Then figuring how much is too much and how much is not enough, especially when they're constantly getting mixed messages (ie. "Why did you listen to me when I pleaded for you to stop, that's NOT what I needed, and now I'm still a mess!"). Not easy to instantly know how to do. Then there's not wavering when they are tested, and appearing confident even when they feel in the dark because they're still learning. Not to mention the inevitable times of finding out they made the wrong decision, of dealing with the guilt, the repercussions, and knowing how to restore things. There's how to reconcile their responsibilities as an HOH with all the pressures from life and work. Learning balance, where this dynamic fits in. We already discussed last post feeling like the bad guy and how hard that is for the majority of them to overcome. So in light of all that, and all the other struggles we didn't list, can you understand why it might take awhile for a guy to figure out what he's doing?
I've come to know a LOT of couples during my time doing this, some well, some just through their blogs, but of all the couples that I've encountered, I can count on one hand the amount of HOH's that were such naturals at this, they knew exactly what to do straight out of the gate. And even of those HOH's I can count on one hand, not one hasn't had phases of struggling.
Our very wise friend Willie of Barney Married Wilma gave a great suggestion in my last post that is worth noting. She suggested that as well as looking just for posts describing ideal HOH's to learn from, going back through blogs and reading the posts about before those HOH's had it all together. I absolutely agree. I'm not able to be in the community much these days, but I have always loved reading those beginning posts! Most of the time hopeful, but also so full of frustration that, (since most of them are written by women), their husbands aren't there yet, that he's inconsistent, they're struggling to cope and whether this dynamic is even working and on and on...then bam! The turning point posts (yep, I have some too, ha!). The "who is this guy, and what did he do with my wishy-washy husband" posts. The "will I ever sit down again, OMG I think he's enjoying this, and why did I want consistency so badly again?!" posts.
Give it time. Don't crush his spirit in the meantime while he's finding that part of himself. Validate him like crazy. And help the poor guy out to know the big picture by staying on the same page, communicate, communicate, communicate! (know there IS a difference between communicating and nagging though). Which brings us to how to do that:
Lesson 5: Apply research and creativity to speed up the process (or at least making the present less of a struggle!)
First let's go over a few tempting unhealthy ways. Like bratting. If you don't know, that's when you do stuff deliberately to get a response. And it can be tempting, especially for you spankos out there, because it can indeed work very well. The problem is that it can also bring its own set of problems too. For instance, I'm going to submit that your husband is probably smarter than you give him credit for, and can sense what you're doing. No one likes feeling manipulated, and that can breed resentment. But deeper than that even. He's supposed to be leading, right? You think he's going to want to when it's obvious that you're the one controlling everything? It can shut him down. But also it can bring out feelings in him that can almost be primal in nature. Or like a volcano, pressure building up until it comes out in a very damaging way. The reason he might be holding back is because he may feel unready and unsure, not wanting to go there yet. You forcing the issue can cause him to swing to the other end of the pendulum, the other extreme, because he might not have learned the balance yet. This can also occur for experienced couples too, when a guy may be under a lot of stress and pulls back in the struggle to deal with it all.
Another thing that may be tempting to do is to shove a bunch of articles or manuals at him, and try to guilt trip him into reading them. Or nag him continually about doing his job. Again, a lot of guys don't like being told how to do things. They don't necessarily want to feel like they're following (this is good, it means he's got that HOH thing probably deep inside already). Sometimes they need to feel they are discovering things on their own. Jay used to tell me, "Kay, the more you push, the more I'm going to buck." It's a tough thing to do, but back off. Choose your battles carefully.
So healthy tactics only, k?
One of the most important ways to handle inconsistency (or any problem between you!) that I noticed is often overlooked is striving to see things through his perspective. This is powerful, because it will help your responses to his actions be better, and make him feel you are on his side, which can take the pressure off of him. There's lots of facets to this. It's asking him, yes, but it's also doing research on your own, trying to understand things he may not be able to explain to you. The fact is that men are scientifically different than us. In general (yes exceptions do apply, but I'm talking about the norm here), he processes information differently than you do. So if you treat him like you want to be treated, and talk to him the way you want to be talked to, you might experience a great deal of needless frustration. This is a general marriage concept, but I think in this dynamic becomes even more important to understand, because the more you let your walls down, the more either cherished you can feel or betrayed, depending on how you perceive things. And this lifestyle calls us to interact on the most intimate level possible with complete vulnerability. Not only does it allow you to connect on that deeper level, but you often can't know how to bring that part out in him until you realize what makes him tick, and how to truly reach him.
I mentioned briefly in my last post Mark Gungor's "nothing box" concept. I'm posting a link here of the video that explains this, because of how much it changed things between my husband and I. When you have time, I recommend watching all of this guy's other videos too, all of which can be found free on YouTube: A Tale of Two Brains, Why Does He/She Do That, How to Stay Married Without Killing Anybody, and The Four Countries of people. He's over the top, but so so funny and explains things so uniquely. I actually still go back and watch his stuff when I'm struggling for perspective after Jay has frustrated me, and when I badly need to laugh. Well worth the time. You'll be entertained, but most likely learn a great deal too. But for now I'll link this shorter clip, that introduces the "nothing box":
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=29JPnJSmDs0
Jay and I used to fight all the time, and even though DD improved things a lot, it wasn't like taking a magic pill. But watching that brief clip where this guy taught me more about my husband than in years of professional training, and opened my eyes to something he needed and I was denying him, changed our whole way of interacting. For instance, it used to drive me nuts how selfish he appeared, fishing or playing video games for hours, or vegging out in front of the TV, not spending time with me and definitely not wanting to discuss things we as a couple needed to discuss. He used to beg me to sit with him while he did what he wanted, and I'd complain. I'd nag him. A lot actually. Now, after understanding that he needs to handle problems differently than I do, I try to be a lot more sensitive. I give him the time he needs, and try to be as supportive as possible, realizing he needs his outlets to destress just like I need to vent to my friends. Or to vent to him, ha ha. He's able to tell me, "Kay, hard day, I need 'nothing box' time". And I let things alone until he can better cope. It's changed everything for us. He gets his needs, and naturally is more willing to give me mine.
In DD, to be willing to take on the role of HOH, you need him to have that willingness. So learn what he needs first. Do that research generally, but don't forget specifically either. Then make use of that knowledge. For instance, learn his love language. If his love language is touch, then touch the guy! Grab his hand occasionally or throw your arms around him. If his is acts of service, I'm sorry. I identify. But shock him by doing something you know he'll appreciate. While he's feeling loved, he'll feel safe. And these are the times you can talk the most heart-to-heart. It's when he's much more likely to receive and process your frustrations without getting overwhelmed by them. Make sense?
Okay so that's how to use your research about him. Don't forget to put into practice what you learn about living this dynamic, either, even before he's ready to join you in it. By that I mean to live the change already that you want to see. Show him what submission looks like, what the deeper intimacy of this lifestyle looks like, what he has to gain. Easier said than done I know. I have a hard time with this one too. But if you can do it, you can show him the benefits. And you may just be astounded by the results. Because a guy that feels respected, usually will naturally get more cherishing. And that in turn will awaken that HOH part of him quicker.
Ok let's discuss tact for a moment, because this is where I've seen a lot of unnecessary resentment build. Remember I said to pick your battles? Well, try letting him lead, even if you don't agree. Let him run the show, even if it's not perfect. Allow him to take those baby steps, and be patient. Empower, not emasculate. How anything is perceived is about the way you do it. Now that you've done your research, you should better know how to reach him. How to make him feel safe rather than criticized. You want to strengthen his confidence. So validate what he does right. And try to keep a record of those things for later. I notice that a lot of guys respond better to something like, "You know that thing you did a month ago? I'm not sure if I told you but that was really genius. I think that really helped us, and would help me again right now" rather than something like "you're not doing your job like you're supposed to be and it's hurting us" See the difference in the not-so-subtle twist?
Ok everyone still awake? Because now we've come to the fun part, creativity! There's nothing wrong with using these types of tactics, as long as it's positive. As long as it builds rather than destroys. And if you find the unique method that works for you, it can work really, really well! The key is to find something that piques his interest. Reiterating again, this is NOT shoving a bunch of articles at him (unless he's ready and asks for it!). But after you've assessed his personality, find the things that will make him confident in his role, that will appeal to him. For instance, my husband found his inner HOH in a new way when he made his own paddle for the first time. It gave him a sense of pride (that I wasn't exactly happy to see lol) to wield something he himself had made. That got stronger when he found his beloved boot paddles. They appealed to his, um, playful nature, so he got them both, the OTK one and the big one. I HATE them. They have a varnished wood side and then the other side is a rubber boot print. So it's like he's "taking a boot to my a@@" like he has always liked to say in jest. So think along those lines, what you can do to make DD a little less intense, even if you have to sacrifice in the process. Because if your guy happens to be like mine, and can pick out an implement that fits his personality, that makes him comfortable, it may help him to actually enjoy his role rather than seeing it as a stress and burden. He may even find out he's a spanko. And then you'll get the consistency you want, plus some, haha. Just don't hate me when it happens. You wanted this, right? Well enjoy! :-P
Oh and you want another way that works particularly well? Connect him to another HOH. Be careful on this one though. If he doesn't want to, don't push it. But if you can manage it somehow, it works almost too well. Like HOH plus HOH equals HOHiness to the exponential power. I'm not kidding. It tends to bring out something competitive, at least in a lot of HOH's. Whether they realize it or not (or choose to acknowledge it!). Guys can do that to each other, get through in a way you might not be able to. Sometimes even reading the posts of other HOH's can bring that side out of him too, especially if it validates his own struggles. But again, be tactful.
And my last suggestion, my favorite. When all else fails, learn to do a little healthy negotiation. Now yes, wielding this power once you've honed it does take great maturity. It's not for, say, weaseling out of trouble or something self-serving (shut up and stop laughing hysterically everyone who knows me well, I'm trying to appear wise here!). Anyway...the crucial thing is that it always passes the test of being used to help your dynamic and improve your marriage. (uh huh, negotiating a paddle made of feathers is out, dang!). So how does this work? Well, if you want something, like, say, to inspire him to do something, figure out something he wants and offer it. I use this tactic a lot, can you tell? :P
Yep as I shared before in a previous post, that's a pic of what hangs in our dining room! It's true that I may use negotiating a time or two when I shouldn't (okay more than that!), but it's also a very important part of our marriage. And DONE RESPECTFULLY, and depending on the particular circumstances of your dynamic, it may help you as well. I do have to give a word of caution, however. Once he starts getting HOH-y, you have to be very careful, even when you do it within the boundaries of respect. I still negotiate plenty, but it has also been known to backfire. To something like, "Yeah, that's a good idea, you are to do that. But we're still doing it this way, because I'm the HOH, and so you need to follow my lead."
Grrr! By that time, though, it means you've gotten what you need, and he's found his HOHiness, true? Right now though, it can be a very useful tool (or during certain tactful times). He gets something he's been wanting, and you get what you've been wanting or needing. Win-win, and a lot less pressure on him! Perfect! :D
Among other things, I used this to get Jay to listen to the audio of Dr. Emerson Eggerich's book, Love and Respect with me (incidentally this book is another tactic that can help your guy find his HOHiness, I highly recommend!). My husband hates books and studies, and feeling like he's being told how to do things, so I had to wheel and deal pretty hard. In the end, he got some stuff from me that I hadn't been willing to sacrifice before. But I did it, because I knew this would help us. And in exchange, he agreed to listen with me for a minimum of five minutes every Sunday and talk about it briefly after. He did make me still hold up my end of the deal, grrr, even though it ended up taking but a few minutes into listening before he was agreeing with everything the author said, and more than willing to listen for three times the five minutes he agreed to suffer through. And on top of that, instead of just having simple discussions afterward, I had to endure quite a few lectures I didn't know he had in him. Holy wow, by the way. It's not DD of course, but I've still seen no other book make a misunderstood and disrespected HOH feel more validated than that one. I had no idea he felt half those things, and I learned to respect him in a new way because of it. He in turn learned to cherish me in a way he hadn't before. We actually use terminology from it all the time to stay on the same page with each other. And none of that would have happened if I hadn't negotiated with him to listen to it with me in the first place. I've also negotiated on occasion in exchange for something he wanted, trying my way for three days, and evaluating after, things like that.
There's another use for negotiation too, and that's to help a guy either save face, or keep him from giving up when discouraged or overwhelmed. Rather than him quitting in frustration, find a way to make his job easier. And if it helps you out in the process, hey, all the better, right?
One of my favorite negotiations is going to make you a lot of you envious. It may not work as a negotiation for most of you, but it happened to solve a big problem for us in discipline. To explain, we don't do OTK. Jay got bad arthritis from playing sports as a teen and his profession, and it's too painful. So I get OTB (Over the Bed) and I have the responsibility to keep myself in place without being held down or anything. I agreed to this, Jay is fair, so yeah, I accept it. The problem is my body doesn't always. In spite of my best intentions to just take it, my body just pops up like a jack-in-the-box. He even has tried restraints, and that was a complete disaster, I completely flip out and panic. Ugh. Jay, who often had had a long day at work and would be so tired already, would get super frustrated and so would I. After fighting me for a long time, he'd often give up in disgust. I'd feel like a complete screwup at this lifestyle. He ended up often avoiding doing it at all because he didn't want to deal with me, which would have been all well and good, except for the resentment that would build, something that DD is supposed to replace and something I honestly fear more than the most serious punishment. But finally I came up with a compromise, something I knew I could handle, and that would take the pressure off him, making his job easier, allowing him to be consistent, no more resentment. I asked him to limit it to no more than 20 swats at a time. I could hold on for that long without moving. And then for a brief break between another 20 (like 10 seconds or so). And so on. The catch is that if I got out of position, he'd start that 20 over. Eek! But yeah, he agreed pretty quickly. I handled it better ever after. And things dramatically changed after that. It's not something many couples do. But it was a negotiation that works for us. I'm not saying that particular negotiation will work for you. But maybe there's something that's holding him back, frustrating him, making him just want to avoid the whole thing altogether, that you can solve by offering a compromise that makes things easier between you. Again, don't worry if it's technically "right" or if it's what other couples do. If it works for your relationship, that's all that matters.
Okay I know this post is way too long already, so I'll shut up now. But hopefully some of this can help. Just remember the key is to adapt everything to your unique relationship, to use tact, be patient, pick your battles carefully so you don't overwhelm each other, and of course, let love always be your foundation. I invite you other veterans to submit other ideas you've found have worked. I know there's a lot of wisdom in this community.
Above all, don't forget to actually enjoy the adventure! I look forward to reading all of YOUR anniversary posts, of all the ways you've grown ;)
