Rotten Day

Yesterday I was having one of those days. You know, one of those days when nothing seems to be going right. When you feel entangled in confusion and stress, and it feels as though it's going to drag you through the floor into the ground. Where you wish you could go, just to avoid life. Not permanently, just for a little while. I wanted to crawl into a hole, and not come out for a long time. It was a rotten day.

I don't think I have post partum depression, but yes, it sure felt like it yesterday. It didn't help that my usually angelic infant was being super fussy, Jay was working super late hours AGAIN, and I had a major decision that I had no idea how to handle (I guess for the second I forgot the whole prayer and surrender thing). Nope. I was anxious, crying, totally not thinking logically. Yep, that's my excuse.

Jay and I were getting things ready for bed. He said to do something. Repeating it like ten times. I pretended not to hear. After all, my head was buried in the freezer. Then, innocently, "What?"

He repeated it again. And I ignored it again. Now in my defense, besides not thinking logically, I had information he didn't have and could have benefited from hearing. But did I tell him why I was doing my own thing? Nope.

"Don't make me have to whoop you." His voice was full of warning. Lights should have been flashing, sirens blaring in my head, to turn back, get off this train. But I claim temporary madness in my stress. I didn't care about what might happen. And I told him so.

"Really." He drew the word out, with dark meaning.

"Really!" I shot back. Smart-ass with no fear. That's me. 

"Okay." Jay was silent for a moment, obviously admiring my bravery. I continued what I was doing. He came into the kitchen. "Why don't you to finish that up, and then go ahead and lie down on the carpet right there, face down."

Thanks for the offer, but why don't I pass on that. I went too far, yes. But I know I can fix this.  I unpacked a few things from my feminine wiles take-a-long kit."I'm sorry, Honey, I do care, I shouldn't have said that," I said, as submissively as I could. To my surprise, he held his ground. "Lie down."

I obeyed. What an end to a perfectly rotten day! I just hoped my punishment would be mild. At least if it was out here I had less of a chance of him wanting to go all the way into the bedroom to get an implement. But then I saw him leave. Crap! I waited for him to return, now breathing hard with apprehension. He lifted my robe up, but thankfully left my pants on. I was breathing in relief, when, WAP! It was the mahogany paddle, and it hurt! WAP, WAP, WAP! He was very efficiently hitting the same spots! After a while, I couldn't control them anymore. My feet came up against my will. "Move your feet." Totally calm. I forced them down. WAP! They came up again. "Move your feet." WAP! Same spot. "Move your feet." WAP! "Move your feet." It continued this way. him totally calm, me yelping, then having to force myself to submit, then yelping again. Thankfully, he didn't hold it against me this time that I wasn't able to hold position. We continued this rhythm, and then finally he was done.

He helped a very contrite me to my feet, then wrapped me in his arms, holding me there. I buried my face in his chest. "Jay, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I love you so much," I sobbed. He hugged me tighter. "I know. It's over now. I love you too, Sweetie." He held me for a while longer, then let me go. "Get the stuff for the baby, and let's go to bed." I did what I was told, my thinking now totally clear.

We got into bed, and he snuggled me tightly to him. He heard me chuckle softly. "Hmm." he responded, waiting for me to share. "It's nothing," I said quickly. Sharing this part of myself with him is always hard, it feels almost shameful. "Hmm." he said louder this time, more insistent. I knew I had to say something. "It's just," I hedged, "that for some weird reason I actually feel totally better, not stressed at all."

Jay nodded knowingly. "Yeah, believe it or not, that's the other reason I did that." he said. I was shocked. Here I had been afraid he wouldn't understand, and he had discerned enough that I would benefit from a stress relief spanking, and administered it, all on his own. My trust in him and respect for him shot through the roof.

I let my breath out, relieved that I could share with him. "I'm a freak," I lamented.

"Yes," Jay agreed, playfully. "But you are mine." Those last words were spoken so tenderly that I was again surprised. My husband doesn't say things like that! At least he didn't until lately. Now it seems to be happening a lot more.

I cuddled even closer. "You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that," I told him.

"We're together in this," he said, turning off the light. "Until death do us part." Then he added, teasingly, "And then after you're gone, I'll see if I can find someone twenty years younger than me."

"Yeah, okay," I answered, my voice dripping with playful sarcasm. And we began a little bit of our familiar bantering.

As I fell asleep wrapped in his arms, I felt totally at peace.

What an end to a perfectly rotten day, that all of a sudden, wasn't so rotten.