Turning Point

So much has happened that it's taken me awhile to process it in my head, let alone write about it. 

I did one of the worst things one can do in TTWD: I disobeyed my husband. After he told me in no uncertain terms that I was not to do it. Then I did exactly that. With full knowledge what I was doing. I know, yikes, eeek, gulp. In our marriage, it's the Double D, Deliberate Disobedience...not good. 

I say this just in musing, because I know I still haven't had the courage to let anyone know about my blog yet, but I really wish I knew how to solve this. What do you do when you feel your HOH is wrong? And talking to him does nothing? What do you do when you feel you have an obligation to do what is right? But to do so, you have to disobey?

I know why this issue was such a big deal. He's trying to take care of me, things have been hard on me. I know this, but geez, talk about things being blown out of proportion! 

My friend was supposed to come over yesterday. That's a good thing, I don't get out much. But I awoke to our son coughing. And stuffed up. So I told Jay I'd postpone our visit in case the baby was sick. And just until Monday, not like a year!   He told me the baby was NOT sick, and that I was not to postpone it, he had been trying to get people to come over for awhile, because he knows I need it. Aww, my sweet husband! Repeated that it was to go on as scheduled to make sure I understood. And I would have let it. But she has an infant too, and I'd feel like a horrible friend if he got sick. So I postponed it. Just in case. I felt we didn't have enough experience as parents to know if he was or wasn't coming down with something. Especially sneezing and coughing like that. 

It turned out Jay was right. But I stand by my decision to err on the side of caution! I had to do what I thought was right, for the good of my child, and for the good of my friend's child.

Jay did not agree. He was furious. He was hurt. He couldn't speak at first. It was about undermining his authority. And when all he wanted was to help me, I decide to knowingly do such a thing...that made it so much worse. He finally said he couldn't believe my lack of respect that I'd directly go against what he said. He hung up on me, and he didn't come home for hours. 

My take on it? I did what I had to do. But I do understand that there's a consequence for disobedience. And I accept that, if nothing else, because I know I've gotten away with a lot, and therefore, no matter the situation, there's no way I could ever say a spanking is unfair. So, while I really don't like it, as always, I was prepared to submit. But I hate when he's upset with me! I really wanted things just to be right between us again, no matter what it meant.

Fast forward to that night. 

Jay told me that he had decided not to spank me. That he'd rather just be upset with me for quite awhile. He said that I do what I want, and then expect a spanking to just smooth it over, so I can be free to do what I want again. First of all, that's NOT true. I do what I want to do sometimes because I don't think, and I'll have you know I HATE spankings. I just don't think about consequences until later, or I think that it's a likely gamble I can get out of it. Arrrgh, not submissive, I know. Hearing the truth, I cringe. But that's what happens a lot. 

But it's hard for me to submit! I hate that it is, but it is! Giving him my submission was a huge sacrifice! And it's particularly hard for me to take a spanking! But I do it, because I'm trying to change. And because the effects of not just holding things against one another, are worth it. So him using his authority to go back to the way things used to be, just because he wants me to suffer emotionally, not cool. And a total violation of our dynamic.

So I was furious. And hurt. And NOT quiet about it. He wants to just remain upset? Fine! Be upset! See if I care! And that's exactly what I told him, at a very high decibel level.

Jay did a double take. "What? Where do you come off being angry? I try very hard to take care of you, and you return it by disobeying me. Why don't I have the right to just be upset for once?"

I turned to him. "You have the right to be upset that I disobeyed you," I said, softening my tone. "I wish you could see that I was doing what I thought was right, but as you don't, I get where you're coming from. I was happy when you said I don't have to go through a spanking, but this holding resentment against me, that's NOT fair," I pushed away tears, "I agree to submit to you or be held accountable to avoid this very thing. And if you're going to do it anyway, then WHAT am I doing?" And I prepared to leave.

Jay stopped me. He grabbed my hand. "Go ahead and get the paddle, and bring it to me. Then pull down your pants and bend on over."

Now that it was a reality, I felt frozen. Suddenly him being mad at me didn't seem that horrible. Did I really want this?

"You better hurry," he said. 

I tried to backpedal quick. "I-I changed my mind," I said. "You can just be mad at me..."

"Too late." His slight smile was unnerving.

I got the paddle, and brought it to him, then took down my pants. He shook his head, smiling a little more. "You have to know those are not going to be allowed to stay on," he said, looking pointedly at my panties.

"Well, yeah, but a girl's gotta try," I said, trying to ignore my trembling. What is wrong with you? Why, why, WHY didn't you just take the free pass? This was going to be bad, and I knew it.

Yep, I was right about it being bad. I screamed the entire time. I begged for leniency. I promised through my tears it would never happen again. "Really, Kay? You promise?"

"Yes!" I shrilled.

"Okay," He said authoritatively. "I'm stopping, but in exchange, I'm holding you to that promise. If you EVER directly disobey me again, you can expect, this three times as hard, and three times as long."

I couldn't even imagine it worse. I mustered my courage, and spoke through my sobs. "W-w-wait, m-maybe you should finish in-instead..."

"Too late. Now come here." Then he wrapped me in his arms.

"Are you still mad at me?" I asked, as soon as my breathing slowed.

"No," he said. "But starting now, I think we need to start getting more serious about things."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning, I don't expect a lot from you. But the things I do expect will be done from now on. Or you will be paddled, each and every time. Got it?"

"Yes."

"Also, I'm holding you accountable for reading the Bible. I think it might help you with your attitude. Not your version, mine. You'll start from the beginning, and read a full page every morning, front and back. And if you forget, or read less than that, you will be paddled. Do you understand?" 

What?!! That's the last thing I ever expected to be accountable for, especially from him!

"Yes, but I already have a reading plan that I'm going through-" Gee, Honey, it's not like I never read the Bible. I even know it way better than you do.

"You're welcome to do that as well, but you WILL do this."

Huh? "Okay, but don't you think I should start from somewhere besides Genesis?"

"No, you're going to start from where I said." He paused, "And I just thought of something else. After you have finished a book, you will have three days to write me a full page essay telling me what you learned."

"Okay." What? Who ARE you?

And then it occurred to me. This wasn't about reading the Bible. I mean it may have been partially, but it was really about submitting. His way. So I gave my assent. And it occurred to me how proud I was of him. He's come a very long way. And I want to give him my respect. In everything I do.

He continued to discuss other things I need to improve on. And I couldn't pinpoint it at the time, but something had changed in him. How it happened, I don't know. But things were not going to be the same.

It's been days later. I've been paddled A LOT. No attitude is tolerated. No eye-rolling, no tones, and definitely no "whatever"s. I am expected to be completely obedient. And I fear I earned another spanking tonight for delaying on something he told me to do. Aarrgh. But there's a kind of security I didn't expect. And trust in his guidance. And hope. I know I'm learning, and maybe now I'll learn faster. 

I had better, or I'll never be able to sit again!