And So It Begins...

I can't believe I'm actually writing this. The thought indeed is scary, because all I've done is lurk on other blogsites for the longest time, too shy to even comment. But I need a place to process, so OMG, I'm taking the plunge. I welcome too, comments, especially from those wiser than me, who've been doing TTWD longer than I have. And who knows--maybe sometime I'll also get the opportunity to give someone the insight needed to make a positive difference. Or if nothing else, maybe my mistakes will serve as a warning of what to avoid, lol. But either way, here we go.

What's with the title? It's a glimpse into complicated me. I'm a Gemini. We're supposed to have two sides to our personality, not that I necessarily believe the stars govern my life. Anyway, I always thought that was especially wrong, since I'm the most transparent person ever. But there's nothing like DD to bring out sides of you you didn't know existed! I do indeed have two distinct sides to myself. Once I allowed my thinking to even go in that direction, I discovered my submissive self. Surprise, surprise, there are times I actually feel comfortable being submissive now, whereas our whole relationship I'd feared it. My husband is amazing. He's changed for me in so many ways. I owe it to him to change for him, not to mention I need and welcome his guidance! The role I once thought was abhorrent now comes naturally (okay, sometimes; okay, okay, occasionally).  Anyway, my submissive, angelic self kneels at his feet in adoration. She realizes she has a long way to go, but wow, the journey is worth it!

Then...there's my other self. That's the girl who still outwardly wears the halo, but every once in a while gets bored, shrugs, and decides to use it as a frisbee instead. It's the girl who comes out with the words "NOW", or "You heard me" or "Come here" or  "No", all spoken authoritatively. Or when warnings are given, she appears. She wants to charge ahead, just to prove she can. When told to do something, she might decide to do it (very little full-on rebellion here--I AM intelligent, for the most part), but with just enough of her way inserted in there and in her time, only to prove she's still calling the shots. Or when told not to do something, that's the one thing she HAS to do! I kid you not, it's like a compelling force! It's the girl who wants also to give up, to say this submissive thing is too hard, I'd rather be equal, thank you very much (or superior wouldn't hurt either). I'd rather stay where I am, and not grow or change.

These two sides of myself fight against each other constantly. My poor Jay. He has the daunting task of helping me sort them out, and helping me resist the temptation to give in to what I know will hurt me in the end (and in more ways than one!). Because it's not about me, it's about us. And as I realize it's so important, I'm determined to take the journey to learn all I can, as we both realize a lifetime of thinking doesn't reverse itself overnight. I'm determined to learn not to give in, when the going gets rough.

That's the journey I've committed to being on, and that I've been on for these past six months. During the first five, it's been experimental, even on and off. Now we've been stepping it up. Our roles have grown more serious, and so must my commitment. Since you're reading this, I'm inviting you to go along with me on this journey. But if you come along, you'd better fasten your seatbelt, because I'm predicting it's going to be a VERY bumpy ride. :)