Good News and Bad News

So there's good news and bad news for me. First, the good news! I'd even go so far as to call it great news! Jay only has two more days of work at his job, and then he gets to quit! Yay! Two weeks ago, he decided that how they were treating him was too hard to handle. So he put in his notice with my blessing. It's going to be hard financially, but so worth it! So anyway, he has a whole month to spend with me before he begins his new job! :)

The bad news? Umm...let's just not go there! Let's just stick to the good news! It's...so....much...easier.....SIGH. Okay, okay, then... The bad news is, he has a whole month to spend with me before he begins his new job. What? You thought that was the good news? Yeah, so did I. Until we had this conversation:

"Jay, Hon?"

"Yeah, Sweetie?"

He looked at me expectantly. I fidgeted. "Um... so since you're going to be here all the time for the next month, that's so cool, but, well-"

"Well?" my husband repeated.

"You know how hard everything is...do you think that maybe...just a little bit..." I hedged. Geez, I had everything worked out perfectly in my head! Why is it so hard for me to talk about this stuff?

"Kay, get to the point," Jay prodded.

"Okay." I swallowed hard, then tried again. "You think that maybe you could ease up a little bit?"

"What? You think I'm too hard on you?" Why does he look amused?

"No!!" I assured him emphatically. "You're very fair. It's just I need baby steps...I'm still learning a lot...working on things...I just was hoping that since you're going to be around all the time, maybe you'd stop being so consistent."

"I thought you wanted consistency."

"Well, yeah, I like to know what the boundaries are, where the line is, all that. But I already know that now. Now I'm wondering, just so I'm not in trouble all the time, while I'm getting the hang of things-"

"Oh, so that's what this is about." Jay laughed. "You've figured out that since I'll be home all the time, you're going to be accountable for a lot more. And you're worried you're never going to be able to sit down!" Well, I wouldn't have put it that way! "Yeah, that's probably a pretty valid fear, since it's likely to happen."  

What?!! "Wait, are you kidding or are you serious?" I asked, fearfully.

"Oh, I'm very serious, Sweetie," he assured me, cheerfully. "I've been thinking a lot about this, actually. Being home is going to provide a lot more opportunities to space spankings out rather than grouping it right before bed, when I have to let things go, because you can't take much at one time. Don't ya think?"

No! And I wouldn't call them opportunities! That's highly not appreciated! "But I don't think I'll be able to handle it!"

"Yes, you will," Jay answered, gently now. "You just won't like it, and that's kind of the point to changing your behavior, right?"

Oh good point. Dang it! Ugh! "But-but you know I'm trying!"

"Sort of," my husband corrected, looking straight into my eyes. "Some things you're trying really hard. And you're doing well. But some things, you haven't really been trying at all. Like, I don't know, procrastinating, because you've been able to get away with it. Since I've been at work." He smiled knowingly, as I dropped my head, at the way he emphasized that word. Uh oh, I don't like the direction this conversation is going!

"Okay, so what are you thinking? Oh wait! Maybe I don't want to know...

"So, like I've said, I've been giving this next month a lot of thought. Now that I've no longer got to focus on work, I've decided this next month is going to be heavily about focusing on you." Ummm...yay?

"Oh, so I'll be getting flowers and chocolate every day?" I quipped, trying to make light of things.

"Oh, you'll be getting something all right," Jay said. "Just think more wooden than that."

Geez, not so yay....I grimaced fearfully. "Kay, now that I have the opportunity to teach you some things, I'm going to take advantage of every second I have before I start my new job to do that. We need to start making some actual progress in these areas." 

I just stared at him, now unable to say anything, trying to digest all this. I'm sure my expression was a sight to behold. Oh, not liking this at all! What happened to the whole 'I'm not a teacher' thing? Let's go back to that attitude. No? Dang it! What am I going to do?  

He continued, "So yeah, Sweetie, it's going to get intense. Probably really intense. As in probably multiple spankings a day, if you earn it. Which, knowing you, you will. I'm going to be on you a lot. I won't be around every second, because I have things that have to be fixed and worked on. But yes, I will be in and out, checking on you."

Oh joy. I sighed, struggling to keep respectful. I still couldn't think of anything to say. I just shook my head, trying to maintain control. This was not happy news. Especially hearing the next part.

Jay looked into my eyes, narrowed with the stubborn expression he knows so well. "You only have a month to learn this, and then I go back to work. So every time during this next month that you're not doing what I told you to be doing, I'm going to paddle you then and there. Everytime you're late getting something done, you're also getting spanked. I hate to micromanage, you know I don't want to. But the fact is that you need it, to help you. So think of this next month like intense training. For the good of our whole family." 


So yikes! That's what I'm facing, starting in a few days. And he was ever so thoughtful enough to give me a preview the other day, grrrr. I was at fault, I admit it. I waited until later in the day to start the task I was supposed to have done. In fact, I waited until near the last possible moment before starting, even though I was warned explicitly by my husband that I was not to procrastinate today. I don't know what got into me, really I don't! But I had barely started when my brother came by to help us get our ferrets' claws clipped (they're so squirmy, it's not an easy task). Then he stayed around, and, well, I got distracted. So not only did I not have the task done that I was supposed to have done, but I didn't even think about our son's doctor's appointment, scheduled for that evening.

I actually thought maybe Jay would be lenient, when he saw my brother was there. Boy, was I wrong! I watched my husband come in, his eyes sweeping the very much not completed room, then looking over me, with yup, you guessed it, the dreaded HOH "look". Then, he gave a clear "uh huh" to let me know in code that he was not happy. Oops. That's my signal to run! But where to? Oh, so not good! 

There was more, though. Our son had a doctor's appointment that evening, and I had forgotten to put everything together, his insurance cards, everything. We ended up leaving in a fluster of chaos, which Jay super hates.The diaper bag wasn't even packed, nothing was ready, and so, on the ride there, instead of dealing with my sweet husband, I was all of a sudden dealing with one angry bear. Not the cuddly kind, either.

"You had all day to make sure this stuff was done," he growled. "You could have even done it yesterday night. But you waited. Why?"

"I-um-was meaning to, I just figured I'd have enough time!"

"So you put it off," he fumed. "Again. Knowing you needed to be ready the second I got home." He shook his head. "And then what happened? Your brother came, and you forgot about everything. Everything you should have had done before he got there. Everything I warned you had to be completed. I'm really upset, Kay. Tonight's not going to be fun for you at all. You will probably have trouble sitting tomorrow."

"I'm sorry, Jay," I whispered.

He turned to me, again shaking his head. "Not sorry enough. But you will be."

I don't know if you hear those words. But when I do, they chill me to the core. I was a wreck most of the rest of the night. I couldn't think about anything, but that coming spanking.

When it came time, Jay was all seriousness. I noticed with tears that had started already, that he was holding the bad paddle, the one I hate. I hadn't experienced it in a while, being I that I had hidden it. Okay, I know what you're about to say. But let me just say I had to! My brother was over, and I noticed it sitting out! Eek! And then after that...well, we have this rule. I'm not supposed to touch any implement. So I figured I needed to be an obedient wife and observe that rule as I'm supposed to, right? ;D So I couldn't touch it, and there it stayed hidden in the drawer. Tee hee! Until my husband found it...grrr! Anyway, the spanking was bad, even though he did give in and give me a slight warmup, which meant a lot. It wasn't the worst I've ever had, but yeah, he was right about not sitting comfortably. Which is not normal; usually my spankings aren't that severe.

And as I said before, I was informed this was a preview of what this next month would be like, unless I learn how to get this problem under control. Yup, definitely bad news. VERY bad news. I'd go so far as to call it horrible news. And I have to confess right now I'm not dealing so well with it. In fact, I wouldn't be sorry if my husband came home and said we could just scrap DD for awhile (Uh...I might even be ecstatic!).

In all fairness I have to clarify something though, as I try to process through this. I know there are those of you out there (who I strongly admire, by the way), who are self-sufficient, don't need micromanagement, and won't put up with it. But the fact is, alas, that I'm one of those people that do need it. It's actually the whole reason we started TTWD, was to work on this. It was the reason I decided to give him my submission--I read "Husbandly Touch", saw someone so like me had changed through this, and decided if Mick's wife could do it, so could I. I was so hopeful then. So why am I now so reluctant? Well, I guess, now that I know the full scope of what I'm facing, while I may need it, I SO don't want it! Especially when it's accompanied by spankings galore! And I don't exactly have the confidence that I'll learn that quickly. I know I'll learn; I'm not hopeless, but I don't like the road I'm obviously having to take to get there.

Submission does not come easy for me. Neither does staying on task. And neither does finishing those tasks in a timely fashion. It always takes me longer to finish things. A half hour task takes me a few hours, for instance. And that's if I'm not distracted by something else. I know I have to learn these things.

I do have ADD, and I like to do the learned helplessness thing: blame it and give up. But I also know from experience too, that ADD, or ADHD, as it's technically called, provides also an ability to hyperfocus, if I'm motivated and in the right mindset (why did Jay have to be in the room when I was first explained that? Grrrr). So I'm not allowed to use it as a crutch, or an excuse. 

After my "preview" spanking, my husband encouraged me to trust him. My response was that I do trust him. I just don't trust myself. But...he believes in me. So I need to believe in myself, too, I guess. I know it intellectually, but I'm still not feeling it.

I know that Jay is not going to turn into a domineering monster, I've been proven that, time and time again. I know that he's always going to be fair. But that doesn't mean it won't hurt...a lot. And bigger than that, that doesn't mean I won't mess up a lot. That's a huge issue with me, I'd rather not try at all, than try and fail. Not a healthy way to think, by the way, and certainly not productive.

Yesterday Jay saw my expression when he mentioned this next month, and drew me close. "You do know why I'm doing this, right?" he whispered. Why you're agreeing to this? It's not to push you down, make you feel like a kid, or make you feel "put in your place." This is for our family, for your son, so that when he gets older, we can give him a wonderful childhood, with his friends able to come over any time. So that in the immediate future, we don't have to worry about him finding something he's not supposed to have, because it's out where it's not supposed to be, and choking on it. And for you too, so that you can know you can do this, and stop beating yourself up about it." He looked into my eyes, as he likes to do, when he wants to make sure I'm hearing him. "I'm just trying to do what's best for us, and for our family. And you need to trust me to do that."

So now I guess it's time to grow up. Face my fears of messing up and, let's be honest, the pain that's sure to come with it. I don't know how to do that, honestly, and I'm still really wrestling with it. This is not easy! Ugh! But at least I have my husband by my side, and I do trust him. I trust him enough to know he's doing the right thing. And I trust him to know that I'll be okay. Knowing that helps a little, at least.