More Bad News...and Some Good News

'That's it!" Jay said. "I've warned you, and your attitude has not improved. I don't need the tone, and yes, I saw you roll your eyes. So, you get your wish. You're getting spanked tonight." 

Oh, you're granting wishes now? How about a month-long island vacation? Or a kitty? Or a pony? "But I don't want to get spanked! Please can you just give me one more chance?"

"No, I gave you enough chances, and you didn't listen. But what we will do is let the rest of the night determine how hard and how long. So that's in your hands. Okay?"

Major POUT. He sighed heavily, then forced me to look at him. "Kay, what is wrong with you today?"

I sighed in answer, shaking my head. "I don't know," I said. "I really don't. I'm just hungry, I'm hormonal because of stupid Aunt Flow, and I just didn't like what you said."

"So you were rude and disrespectful, and only stopped, not after I warned you, but because I said you were in trouble."

Uh...what do I say to that? "I am sorry," I answered. "Really I am."

"We'll see how the rest of the night goes then. Right now, you are not to return to that computer. You've lost computer privileges for the night."

"Okay, I just need to say goodbye-"

"No you don't."

"But I'm in the middle of chatting with friends!"

"Kay, if you do it, that's fifty."

My eyes got wide, and I searched his features for any sign of mirth. Dead serious. Yikes, I guess my friends will just have to understand, oh well...

We ate dinner, and things went better, until we had a slight disagreement. He told me to leave it alone, not forever, just for the moment. In typical rebel Kay fashion, I plunged right on ahead, ignoring both polite reminders and glaring neon signs to turn back. Oops! Can I blame hormones?

Anyway, next thing I was hearing, "Kay, I'm going to bed early because I'm tired. First, though, you and I need to have a little visit in the bedroom."

Huh. There's a term for it I haven't heard before. But I swallowed hard at his decidedly HOH-y tone. "Okay, Hon." I sighed.

So yet again I found myself face down and pants down. Ugh. I'm getting tired of being in trouble. I will say, if this next month actually reduces that in the long run, maybe it will be worth it. I cling to that. Temporary pain for long-term gain. Helps a little.

Anyway, I get the feeling this sort of unofficial "Boot Camp" that I seem to be going through has started already, even though today is actually his last day. Because the winds have changed, let me tell ya.

And yesterday night, lying there, I could feel it. "Laundry finally done?" he asked, resting the paddle against my skin. "Yes!" I replied emphatically, thanking God that it was true. Phew!

"Well that keeps it from getting much worse, thankfully," Jay confirmed. "But you do know why you're here. Bigtime because of your attitude and arguing when I told you we'd discuss it later. You didn't eat on time. And you were supposed to have the laundry washed folded and put away by the time I got home."

"Yes," I answered, feeling very contrite. I squeezed my eyes shut, and buried my head in my pillow, waiting for my sentence to commence.

But instead I heard my husband saying, thoughtfully, "Not eating on time and not getting your task done was probably because you were on that computer way too much today." He was silent for a second. Then, "I'm putting in place a new rule. No computer anytime during the day except one hour for necessities, from 10-11am. Not until after 4pm. Are we clear?"

What?!! Another rule? No! My head shot up. But to my credit, I said nothing disrespectful. It's a lot easier to keep respectful when in this position. though! Especially with that list already. "But--please can we discuss this later?" I asked.

"Yes," he allowed.

I sighed heavily. I was starting to cry even before the spanking began.  And sobbing after. "I can't let you backslide like you've been doing," Jay lectured. "You don't want to go there. Especially this next month. Trust me on this."

At the mention of that, my sobs increased until they racked my body. Jay gathered me into his arms and held me tight, while I cried. "Kay, what's going on? Why are you crying so hard? Sweetie, talk to me," he whispered.

"I don't know if I can get through this next month," I cried. "I'm so overwhelmed by everything. And now I have one more rule, and I can't control when my friends are there, and I need their support..."

Jay just hugged me to him and let me vent. The finally he spoke."Yeah, this next month will be hard. Not just for you, for me too. But we will get through it together, okay? You can do this! As far as the computer goes, I've got to do something. We'll discuss it more. But for right now, this is what I want from you. And remember, you do still have weekends," he reminded me.

"What if I got up early and had until 11?"

"I'll accept that," he said. "But I also want you to be off the computer by 8 so we can have time together in the evenings as well. Okay?"

"I guess." I said.

"Kay, everything will be okay, all right? Trust me."

I just laid in his arms until my sobbing stopped, and then a little longer.

"You all better now?" Jay asked, finally.

"Not fully," I admitted, still wiping away tears. "I love you more than anything, I know I need to change, but this is super hard right now. Especially about the new rule. I just wish I could talk to friends right now, I need it so much, I know you're with me, but I need support too."

"Well, why don't you scratch my back a little, and then I'll go ahead and suspend the rule tonight. You can get on the computer, and you can stay up." I closed my eyes in relief and gratefulness.

"Thanks for understanding," I told him, kissing him. 

"So Kay, that does NOT mean I want you coming in here at 2 am."

1:59am, got it. "Okay, I won't."

So he went to sleep, and I went to talk to friends. And pray. And de-stress. And talk to friends some more. Until my tears of frustration went away, and I felt okay again.

Things aren't really all that resolved. I still hate the rules with a passion. I'm still tired of never being able to stay out of trouble for any length of time. And I'm still not liking this micromanagement month --AT ALL. But at least I don't feel alone in all this. At least I know I have a husband who truly cares about me, and who's willing to learn and compromise too, and I now have friends that can support me when I don't feel I can support myself.

So perhaps I'll make it after all. :)