The Trouble with Working

"Why is it that every time you start to work again, you tend to backslide?" Jay asked, after finally flinging the paddle away. "You've gone back to not listening, not obeying, not responding respectfully, why do you do that? You were doing so well!"

My heart warmed at the idea that I had been doing well, while at the same time wanting to kick myself for so messing up. "I don't know," I sniffled. Knowing he wanted more than that for an answer, I responded truthfully. "I guess, it's just because I was working so hard, and I was stressed, and maybe because it feels so far away from life, I just-I don't know, forget."

"And because I don't spank you during that time, you feel invincible," Jay observed, with a small smile.

Ummm...maybe," I hedged, really not wanting to admit he was right. I knew where this was leading....

*       *       *

I worked long hours all weekend long, starting Friday. Friday night I arrived home agitated. You know one of those times when EVERYTHING seems to bother you? Yeah, one of those nights. I'm not really sure what was wrong. I love my job, that's why I do it. I'm paid rather well to look cute, generate excitement, and have "Jim Carrey"-like energy. I'm good at it, and I find it fun, especially this event!

But I have to admit that those last few hours...well, sometimes your feet start to hurt (thanks, ferrets, oh so much for stealing my gel inserts AGAIN, grrr!). You also have to figure out how to keep that smile plastered on your face, when you no longer feel like smiling. You say the script with enthusiasm, but deep inside, you're struggling not to think of how much time you have left before you can go home. The minutes each seem to be an hour on their own. Tick...tick...tick... Not to mention that my bottom was aching too, from a lesson the night before. That rarely happens, but Jay had found it necessary, and it happened right after a shower (what was I thinking?!!!), so it was a little more severe than usual, being that my bottom was damp. And for the record, I don't like feeling "his love" the day after, especially when I'm working long hours! Then there was the fact that I hadn't gotten my break on time, which meant the gourmet meal I was looking forward to, something special about this event, had already closed down for the night. Double grrr! In fact, I hadn't even gotten food, beyond some snacks. So all that combined to make me feel like not exactly the loving wife I should be. I didn't even want to sleep, I just wanted to watch TV, play on the computer, and relax. And I didn't, under any circumstances, want to be lectured, told what to do, or even bothered!

Yep, I had walls up. And signs clearly saying, "Go away!" complete with a rebel little devil to show how serious I was. Apparently, though, Jay didn't get the message, even though I had surrounded it with neon lights. Or maybe he thought those walls needed to be taken down. Anyway, he finally intervened. "Kay," he gently reminded, "you need to be up early tomorrow, and you need to go to sleep. You need your energy, you have another long day tomorrow." I knew that, I knew he was right, but I didn't feel like being told what to do just then. I didn't even want the suggestion! So I snapped a rather disrespectful response. Jay was taken aback. "What's with you?" he asked.

"Sorry. I just NEED to unwind. Please." And get off my back!

Jay paused, then made his decision. "Fine," he said. "You're an adult. You can stay up so you can eat and unwind, after you come to the room and scratch my back first. But," his voice got super serious, "If I have ANY problem trying to get you out of bed in the morning, because you stayed up late, there will be a spanking, and it won't be light. Are we clear?"

"Sure." Phew! I can do whatever I want...oh yeah!

"I mean it, Kay. I need to know that you heard me on this. You can't function for twelve hours on no sleep. I don't want you coming in here way late. You need to do what you need to do, and get to bed. Not get on the computer, not chat with friends, not Facebook, not TV until the wee hours of the morning. Are you hearing me?"

"Okay, okay, Hon! Got it!" I hate lectures when I'm in a mood! Geez, do you have to tell me 30 billion times?

"And also try not to wake me up, because as you know, I've had a super hard week. Or there will be consequences, and you just might find yourself going to work sore!"

"Fine, geez!" I said, in an exasperated tone. I may also have rolled my eyes. I know, I know, he was just doing his job. He was even letting me stay up, against his better judgment. He was also trying to get through my ADHD to where I wouldn't just dismiss his words. I don't know what was wrong with me, really I don't.

Jay paused again, thinking. I could see he was trying to give me space, but his patience was wearing thin, FAST. "Right now, though, I think I need to adjust your attitude," he continued finally. "I don't want to spank you on a work night, especially since today was so hard for you, but you've been extremely disrespectful and out of sorts, so I should do something to get you back before it gets worse."

Whoa! Wait a minute! C'mon Kay, backpedal, backpedal fast. Lose the horns and tail, where did I put that halo? I grabbed his hand, tried to look as angelic as I could, and begged for all I was worth. "Please Honey, please Honeybear," using my playful nickname for him, "please don't spank me! I'll be good, I promise. But I have to work a 12 hour day tomorrow, please just let this go!"

"Sweetie, I've been letting this go."

"Okay, well, wait until Sunday night or Monday! Please."

"All right, then, just remember what I said."

"Oh, I will, I will!" I assured him, enthusiastically. "And I'll scratch your back and put you to sleep."

I made sure I did an extra good job. Then, when my man was snoring, I crept of out the room. I got some food (maybe that was another reason I was cranky?), got online, watched some TV (why do I suddenly wake up at night?)...did some other stuff, just a few minutes, just to unwind.... I intended to obey, really, I did. I think the real truth is that I just entered a time warp, and all of a sudden it was later! And by later, I mean WAY later! Not my fault, I swear! Luckily, though, Jay was sleeping soundly for once as I crept into bed, barely daring to breathe. I was careful to be quieter than a mouse, and listened in relief to his continued snoring. Yay! I think I'm actually going to get away with this! Major bullet dodged! Phew! I fell into a blissful, heavy slumber.

The baby woke up early the next morning. I felt half-dead. I replaced his pacifier, turned his mobile on, and went back to bed. When he wanted breakfast, I sleepily asked Jay to take care of it. He kindly did, and I again gratefully returned to the Land of Nod.

I woke up to my phone ringing. I dismissed it, then lazily looked at the time. What?!! I stared at the time, unbelieving of what I saw. I was supposed to be leaving in two minutes! I'd set my alarm wrong, or slept through it, not sure what happened? But regardless of the reason, SO NOT GOOD! I feverishly ran around, trying to get my brain to work. Not an easy thing, first thing in the morning.

I looked at the time again, undecided on what to do. I couldn't risk being late. On my job, if you are late, you are often replaced. Your hourly pay can be docked. Not to mention building a good rapport with the company so they'll continue to hire me for other things! And then there was, as the last person, getting the least desirable job which would make the day only inch by...

Now on my last post, I revealed some of my strengths. Well now I'm going to refer to one of my weaknesses. I'm a horrible driver. It's not really my fault, a lot of it is due to a disability. I CAN drive when I have to. But with my lack of depth perception, combined with other things, I have to allow extra time to get anywhere. Not that I'm slow on the road, I'm not. But street parking can sometimes be a problem, especially when I'm using someone else's car, like I was that day.

So anyway, I had a huge dilemma on my hands. I could try to get there on my own, and hope that I'd be on time. Not likely. Or I could wake Jay up, admit I had done exactly what he'd told me NOT to do, and beg for his help.

It didn't take me long to figure out what my decision had to be. So I swallowed hard, and did the only thing I could. Jay was not happy to be woken up, and definitely not happy that I had disobeyed him by staying up late. He also really didn't feel like dropping me off downtown. But he knew the importance, so he did it. He did, however, remind me of the consequence to come, most likely on Monday night.

Well, I got through the weekend. On Monday, I was still exhausted, so Jay, like the nice guy that he is, gave me the day off from any tasks, so I could rest and recuperate. I should have been grateful, right? Brimming with love and respect for my thoughtful husband? You'd think so! Alas, I just couldn't seem to get my head back in the game. I didn't have any tasks to do, and I still couldn't eat on time. Then there was my sassing him, and completely forgetting that "whatever" was a spankable offense. What was wrong with me? I don't know! One weekend of working, and it was like I forgot everything!

Which brought us to the hard spanking, and the before mentioned lecture.

*       *       *

What did I learn from this? I know I've got to figure out how to reconcile my working me with my at home me. This is so hard, and I'm not sure why! I love my husband, really I do. I want to please him always. But I don't know, when I'm at work, all rules seem to go out the window for the most part, and it's like I'm a balloon untied, rising into the air, and eager for adventure. I DO feel invincible. He said it exactly. Of course, I'm smart enough to know everything that goes up must come down. But for some reason, coming consequences dim in the light of feeling like I'm on vacation from reality! And that it's time to party! I think it also feels so like my old life, pre-Dd. I start to think the same way. And then it's like we're back to square one again. For awhile.

Jay assured me he's going to work to take care of this, though, even if he has to spank me on a work night. Eek! The thing is, though, he's more than earned my respect, and if I'm honest, what I do is not fair to him. What's more, I don't want to obey (ack, choke, gag, hate that word) because I might get in trouble, but because I should, because I made a commitment to both of us to do that, at ALL times, not just when I'm at home, or when I feel up to it, or when the threat of a spanking seems real.

So in the presence of many witnesses, I'm saying that I'm going to try. And try again. I'm working right now to get back to where I was: respect, instant obedience, staying on task. I actually did well yesterday, which was great. So so far so good. My halo is again shining over my head, no rebel horns to be found. I do work again this weekend (not as long of hours, thank God). But instead of seeing it as an unconscious chance to be freeeeeeee, I'm choosing to see it as a golden opportunity to show him my love. To not backslide. To remember all I've agreed to, and keep to it. I'll reread this post several times before I work, too, to remind myself.

Yup, I can do it, I know I can. :)