What Not to Do (and How to Recover)

So I'm trying to learn, right? That's what my blog's about. Well, guess what amazing lesson I learned yesterday? You'll never guess! Listening? Because I'm about to give you some excellent advice on what not to ever do! Wait for it... Here it is: Don't EVER cuss at your husband in public! It's a bad idea. Really, it is! I know this from experience.

Now before I hear all sorts of confident, "Well, duh, Kay!" remarks, I want to assure you that I would have given the exact same response...before yesterday. That was the day an alien must have taken over my body, because well, I discovered knowing something isn't as easy as refraining from doing it.

Backing up, we've been on a mini vacation of sorts since Saturday. We were out on our boat, stuffing our faces with crab legs dipped in butter, all weekend long. Jay and my brother caught a ton of them! I'll never turn down a chance to be out on the water, I'd live on a boat if I could. And Jay needed this weekend. Things have been stressful at his work since he told them he got tentatively hired somewhere else--nice guy that he is, he wanted to give them a heads up. Then there's the extensive background check this new corporation that hired him is doing, complete with having to call every place of previous employment, and requesting W-2s for the last seven years. Ugh. Not fun. So he's stressed by it all. Digressing for a moment to brag about my man, though, this IS a cool thing! Jay went into the interview and was hired on the spot! Normally you wait weeks to hear back! I'm SO proud of him. But it is extremely stressful, and we can't celebrate yet. We've both been on pins and needles until the whole process is complete. Which, by the way, we discovered takes months. So yes, this time away was necessary. There were a few things that made it not as relaxing, though.

Now before you go rushing to conclusions that innocent me was responsible, I will assure you that the first reason had nothing to do with me. Jay allowed my brother and his family to join us a good part of the time. While it made the legal limit of crab they could keep higher, having a bunch of kids around might have been stressful in itself. I must admit the other reason was me, being a brat a few times. But the night was cold, and he wouldn't let me turn on the heater! No excuses, I know, but I may have acted a trifle childishly. And then a few times I used the "whatever" word with my brother, and once, even with Jay. Oops. Why did I do it? Because I could, I'm ashamed to say. And no, I didn't get away with it, dang it! Not even close! But the messed up thing is that he didn't have to bring me. It would have been way less stress on him to leave me and the baby at home. But he did it, because he knew I wanted to go so badly.

Anyway, Jay would have preferred to rest on the 4th of July, since the weekend hadn't truly provided that. But as I like to leave no holiday uncelebrated, Jay chose to make me happy. We went to a friend's party complete with food and a waterfight! Then, instead of going to bed early because he had to work the next morning, Jay took me to see the fireworks, a huge deal for me. We live near a city, so it's an awesome display, over the water, with the city skyline in the background. So I got to even see my favorite "smiley face" fireworks! It was so cool! But we didn't get home until very late, and work the next day wasn't going to happen. So Jay took the day off. And then decided he needed an additional day. It was absolutely wonderful!

Until this happened. I tried my hardest to make something work. I wanted for us to be able to do this certain thing together. But we have a baby, and no matter what I did, or how hard I tried, my son chose that moment to stop being his normal angel self, and make fussy an understatement. I dealt with it how I could, so Jay wouldn't have to deal with it hardly at all, hoping he'd say I had handled it well, and we could still do this thing in the future, but it made no difference. He said NO, a two-letter word, I confess, I sometimes REALLY don't like! In fact, sometimes it might as well be a four-letter word! He said it just wasn't going to work, and that needs to be the end of it. He was very clear, too clear for my liking. I am ashamed to say that at that point, I lost my mind. I'm not exaggerating! I guess I had tried for nothing if he was just going to say no to it anyway! He didn't appreciate my fuming, and gently tried to tell me he knew I had tried, but that was just the way things were.

And then I turned to him and emphasizing each word, said, "Well, I went through all that effort so this wouldn't happen! What the f--- was I supposed to do?!"

Jay stared at me, stunned. Did that really just come out of his sweet wife's mouth? In full hearing of everyone? Yep, it really did. After a moment, he seemed to recover. "Have you lost your mind?" he asked.

His sweet wife immediately clamped a hand to her mouth, and apologized profusely. Of course you know I did this, right? Well, yeah, in my fantasies. But in reality, um...I continued walking, or rather, stomping angrily.

Jay gently grabbed my arm, and pulled me aside. "Kay! Stop and look at me."

Fine! You want me to stop and look at you, that's exactly what I'll do. I pointedly dropped everything I had in my hands at that moment, and gave him my full attention. That, crossed arms, and an angry glare.

Jay shook his head at my childish behavior. "Wow, talk about ultimate disrespect. Not only talking about our issues in public, which you know I hate, but cussing? And cussing at me?" he whispered. "And even now you're going to give me attitude?!"

I know. It's painful to even relate. I'm glad I can remain anonymous on here, because I still can't believe it. But it gets even worse! I snatched up diaper bag and purse, and walked away. Yeah, during a lecture. Jay followed, and we got in our vehicle, me still ignoring him, avoiding looking at him.

"Kay," he said, "you know you are not allowed to shut me out."

Something seemed to snap back in place. "I know. All right," I said, "we'll talk. But give me a few minutes, okay?"

"Kay-" he began again.

"Please, honey. I need to calm down, I don't want to say or do anything else that I'll regret. I don't want to hurt you still more."

"Okay."

A brief time later, we talked. And I was racked with guilt. My guy had just given me a wonderful five days. And what had I done to repay him? Just because he said I couldn't do something I'd badly wanted to do? Was I really that shallow? That horrible of a wife that I'd embarrass him like that over something that was no one's fault? Now I did apologize. And not because I was afraid of being punished. He didn't deserve that from me. I had acted like a two-year old, and I hadn't cared about hurting him. I had let my temper carry me away to some foreign place even I wasn't familiar with.

Jay turned the conversation to other things, but I couldn't move on. Even after we got home, I was dejected and quiet. All I could think was how I couldn't believe I could do that to him, after everything. I didn't want to do anything, have any more fun, our time together was ruined, there seemed to be no point.

"Sweetie, what's wrong?" Ummm...were you not there a few hours ago?  I said nothing, just dissolved into tears. He led me to our bedroom, and we laid on our bed together. "Talk to me," he said.

"I-I j-just feel s-so bad about what-what I did," I sobbed.

Jay wrapped me in his arms. "So you're going to harp on this all day long, and let it ruin everything you've been working towards," he commented. "You messed up. You really did. But you have a choice on what to do next.

"I love you. I forgive you. Everything's okay." He held me, until I stopped crying, and helped me get up. Then we snuggled and watched a movie. I accepted his forgiveness. I forgave myself. I resolved that there would never be a repeat of this. And all was right again.

I did get a lecture again last night, and he made sure the lesson was learned, via the paddle. I hate that I disappointed him. How he reacted to my actions, though, deepened my respect for him. I know he had to use it, but I don't think the paddle was even needed for me to learn this lesson.